The Parade and the Potty Talk

We took the kiddos to the annual "Old Settler's Day" Parade. We celebrate that here in Olathe to honor our "settlers who were old." I'm not sure why the younger ones did't merit a parade. Here were a few observations/comments:

- I had fun helping my son try to figure out why some of the horses in the parade had a large burlap sack attached to their backsides
- I'm not sure who decided that it was a great idea to hand out tons (and I mean that term literally) of teeth-rotting candy to the kids watching the parade, but my wife and I insincerely thank the organizers. It was a Halloween-like haul for my crew.
- Pretty sure that some of the schools have more kids in the marching band than actually attend the school.
- Worst "float" was a tow truck. That's all it was. Didn't have music, lights, and it wasn't even towing anything. I kinda think it was just a guy who took a wrong turn.
- One of the local mega-churches had its entire congregation walking along handing out water bottles as marketing. I heard one of them call it "holy water." Seriously . . .?!
- There were a couple karate groups out there. One of them featured two girls "fighting" as they walked the parade route. I hope they were still friends after the thing was over.
- I think one of the requirements for being a local politician is to have a lot of kids. Because most of the politicians featured numerous young kids handing out flyers and/or frisbees to the crowd.
- The most memorable "float" was a giant toilet sponsored by a local plumbing company. It made loud flushing sounds and shot out tootsie rolls (yes, I said tootsie rolls) to the crowd. On the side of the truck were these profound words:

"Everyday is a holiday when you have a working toilet"

After reading that life somehow felt a little sweeter. Thank goodness for those old settlers!

How I Get Dumber

I love being a dad. My kids regularly ask for my opinion and act like they genuinely care what I have to say. They are fine with the clothes I wear and the music I listen to. I've even been called "cool" on multiple occasions. (but I'm guessing those were followed by snickers after I left the room) However, my oldest turns 9 next week and as this graph clearly shows - I'm about to start getting a lot dumber . . . At least there's hope because it looks like I may stage a recovery in 20 years or so.


more graph humor and song chart memes

So to all you STUPID parents out there . . . just stay alive and it looks like things will get better, at least in your kid's eyes.

PS - please don't show this to my parents.

Becoming One With Nature and using Tweezers to fix it

"All they do is dig into your skin and bury their heads."

This is actually something that I said to one of my children today. At the time it seemed completely logical and actually reassuring. Looking back on it, well . . . let me explain.

Today the Mrs. HTF and I took the troops on a "hike." (I'm using the air quotes because most of it was on a flat paved trail not unlike the track at your high school) We decided that the kids needed some distance from day to day fun at our house, so we found a park with a trail and off we went. The paved track end abruptly at the edge of a pretty dense forest. Then it turned into a much-less well defined trail. In the back of our minds was the goal of "toughening our kids up." (still not sure what that means, but it made sense at the time) So I glanced at the map and we decided to dive into to the woods. I'll spare you the details, but let just say this was one of the stupider decisions we've made in, well, . . . today.

As we emerged from the woods at the other end of the trail we were covered in ticks of all shapes and sizes. Well, I guess they're mostly the same shape, but the sizes were different. Everyone freaked out nicely. (It probably didn't help when I told the true story of how my mom was almost killed by a disease from a tick. I gotta remember to keep my helpful stories to myself.) We tried in vain to brush them off. A couple hours later we found ourselves in the bathroom with multiple not-clothed-at-all children plucking insects off of their bodies with tweezers. I lost count. Even tonight when we laid down in bed, Traci glanced at my arm and found another little blood sucker. Ugh. What were we thinking?! I totally should've known better. Now everyone in the family is constantly looking over every inch of their bodies, and everyone else's for the opportunity to tweeze. I've tried to pluck off the same little mole on my leg now multiple times because I swore I saw it moving. So much for our fun, family wilderness adventure. Next Saturday we're playing XBox and walking around WalMart like we're supposed to.

The Invasion of Lake Texoma

Monday was my first day back at the office in like 10 days. So I got to answer the "how was your vacation" questions a dozen times or so. That's a good thing, because we had a great time. Wow, was it hard getting back into work mode (I say that like it's a thing that's already happened, but it hasn't really...) So here are a few highlights:

• First and foremost- didn't see a single snake. But we did see a bunch of very non-scary armadillos. I don't recall seeing these up close before. They looked like a cross between my parent's wiener dogs and a rolly-polly.
• On Thursday I saw that we were under a "Severe Wind Advisory." Part of the notice said that anyone on a lake should "use extreme caution." So naturally we decided boating needed to be part of our day. A few of us spent some kinda scary moments on a pontoon boat rolling around "waves" that were strong enough to ensure that we were thoroughly soaked. At one point we took on so much water that the front end of the boat (remember this is one of those pontoon boats that are kinda like a raft welded to a couple of massive 2-liters) was actually submerged so the water was above my knees while I was seated. It was like our very own "3-hour tour." In hindsight, not a huge deal, but I was glad we didn't have any kiddos with us.
• The adults were out-numbered 15 to 12, so that always makes for good entertainment. One of my kid's greatest discoveries was, well, mud. They called it "clay" and "sculpted" odd shapes with it. My first statement to them, said with some foresight, was "you're not bringing that home." Their answer, "ok, daddy."...................... The mud is now on our front porch greeting all who come to our house if you'd like to see it. But the kids were amazingly self-entertaining and just kinda became roving mobs that went in small, but feisty, groups from place to place doing important things like gathering rocks, dumping cups of water on each other, riding inflatable dolphins, and looking for bugs. I'm glad they never realized that if they'd have combined their might they may have overthrown the adults.
• In another embarrassing sign of, well, lots of things . . . I pulled a muscle in my chest just as I was getting up on the water skiis and that was the end of that. Maybe if I wait another 14 years until I ski again I'll be better at it.
• Not too long after we arrived I started hearing the phrase "talent show." To which I snickered a bit, and assumed this was just talk and would never happen. Well, it did happen and it was marvelous. Here were some of the acts on display:
• Traci and I threw water balloons at each other
• An elephant named "Nuts" relieved himself on some unsuspecting kids
• Braeden tore up an entire field dancing emphatically to High School Musical . . . by himself
• Jake (a cousin) did a river-dance thing that was mind boggling. If I moved my feet that fast, I'm certain they'd fly off or at least I'd not be walking for a while.
• The older boys poured water on the daddies
• The older boys poured water on the girls
• The older girls poured water on the boys
  
• And who can forget this, which was pretty much the cultural highlight of the trip for my boys:
• We all sang a song led by Grandma & Grandpa Morrow - a good warm, fuzzy moment.

Anyway, this post is far too long already, so I'll close with this. I usually set low expectations for things, especially when there are multiple kids involved, but to answer the question in my first paragraph, this was an awesome vacation. Everyone got along so well, and we deeply appreciated being invited along. Anything that keeps the kids smiling and me reasonably safe is a good thing by me! Thanks, Mike & Kathy!!

The day my job was all about graham crakers

For months now Sydney (4 year old) and I have been having this same conversation most every morning:

Her: “Daddy, do you have work today?”

Me: “Yes, Sydney”

Her: “Why”

Me: “So you can eat and have a house to live in.”

Her: (thinking hard and choosing not to reflect on whatever I just said) “But I want you be a WatchDog (click the link) at my school.”

Me: “I will, but I can’t today”

Her: (after a huge huffing sound) “But when will you?!”

Me: “Not sure, but I’ll let you know. Now please go get ready for school, baby.”

Usually this conversation happens while I’m getting ready for work after she breaks through a couple of locked doors. I’ve been putting her off for some time now, so I finally picked a day (last Friday) and went with her to her half-day preschool class. Here are a few observations:

- I think I’m a patient guy, but those teachers are off the charts. Pretty sure I could kick one in the shins really hard and she’d respond by offering me chocolate milk. Truly these are saints.

- It’s fascinating to see how kids don’t care about or even notice so many of the things we’re so hung up on (clothes, beauty, intelligence, personal hygiene . . . etc.)

- I tried to push Sydney and some other kids on swings at recess and was politely told by one of the teachers that that was a big no-no for liability reasons. Wow, that’s a sad commentary all by itself. I was paranoid for the rest of the recess.

- Graham Crackers and milk should be mandatory in corporate America. Everyone kinda stops fighting and it all just feels better while you munch.

- I’m an awfully lucky guy to have a daughter who’s so proud to show off her daddy. Now if she wants me to hang out with her like this when she’s 15 I’ll really have made it!

It was a great day. So my advice to my fellow fathers out there – when you’re asked to go hang out with your kiddos at school, send your boss some graham crackers, and say yes to the little person.