I realized tonight that it’s been a while since I did much about current events here. The biggest news of the last few weeks was of course the important White House beer-fest that fixed race relations in the country. I sure wish they’d have figured that out about 100 years ago. But one story that I think got a lot of press, but wasn’t as well understood as it should’ve been was the “election” (air quotes intended) in Iran. So let me give you the HTF spin on that.
First, our characters:
1. The current President of Iran, Mahmud AHMADI-NEJAD, whom I will call Earl, for obvious reasons.
2. The current Supreme Leader of Iran, who’s abbreviated name is: Islamic Revolution Leader Ayatollah Sayyed Ali Khamenei. I will call him Dumbledore, for obvious reasons
3. The millions of actual Iranians who actually voted.
Basically the story is this – a few weeks ago there was an election in Iran where people voted for President. I can only assume that there were super-boring debates and non-stop cable news coverage about things the candidates may or may not have done 30 years ago leading up to the election. Our friend, Earl, is the incumbent, which means the people running the elections technically work for him. Since becoming president he’s succeeded in making loud offensive speeches and creating a national holiday for goats. However, the economy has gone backwards faster than my hairline, we’ll call that a recession. (get it – hairline . . . recession . . . nevermind) So the Iranian people, who are in favor of a good economy and are generally anti-goat-holidays, were widely expected to vote Earl out. Then they went and voted.
Less than two hours after the polls closed the results went public. I guess those manual ballot counters have some serious game. Earl had won in a landslide. The voters found this a bit of a surprise, and demanded a recount of the Broward County ballots in Florida. They were quite certain the results were as questionable as a John Edwards speech on fidelity in marriage. So they took to the streets with signs. The government, run by Earl and Dumbledore quickly realized that the protests wouldn’t look good on CNN OR FoxNews, so they banished all of the reporters who hadn’t personally attended Earl’s last birthday party. Apparently our dynamic duo forgot about this new thing called the internets. Tweets were posted to YouTube (or something like that) and the Facebook status of most Iranians was either “downtown holding a green sign and yelling at police” or “chillaxin’ with my honeys.”
Of course Dumbledore knew just how to calm the protestors, he would order that they be beat with batons and if they still weren’t totally happy with the “results” of the election they could be shot. In spite of this excellent strategy (codename: “They’ll Love Us Or Else!”) the people kept on protesting. The world watched on the interweb as most of this went down. And the Iranian government fought back there too, by publishing super-believable articles like this one I found on Dumbledore’s personal web site:
So there’s your little update on the wacky goings-on and shenanigans in Iran. If you’re planning your next vacation I’d suggest you chose Toledo instead of Tehran. But if you do go, be ready to get your tweet on, color-up some green signs, and be sure to wear your seasonal body armor.