Curling Up On the Ice, but NOT wearing ruffles on my shirt!

I had intended to write several blog posts about the Winter Olympics – but I had also intended to play in the NBA – some things just don’t happen.  Nevertheless, just a few miles to the north from my house lots of people have been hanging out and watching athletes do their thing on snow, ice and TV.  I started off strong with taking in the festivities, but real life got in the way and I’ve missed quite a bit.  On that topic this note hit the HTF mailbox recently that is definitely worth a bit of a response despite the misguided smackage aimed at my Jayhawks (currently ranked #1):

Dear HTF,

The Olympics are finally here so I thought that an Olympic-related letter would be very timely!  Plus, I have been in the smack talk offseason since the end of Fantasy Football, & my skillz are getting rusty.  I need to get tons of practice time in so I will be ready to make fun of the Kansas Jayhawks come March Madness time.  That's assuming, of course, that they even MAKE IT to the tournament --looks REALLY doubtful right now!!!  Ha HA!  (Stress is on the second "ha" so as to sound super intimidating.)

Here’s the deal:  I think I could beat you at curling.  I don’t exactly know how to play, but I won't let that stop me from feeling like I would win if we were to have an Epic Battle on the Ice.  (I don’t often wield a broom, but I’m amazingly talented at sliding around my kitchen in my socks.  I think this skill would transfer well to curling.)  I do think that you would beat me at ski jumping if we were to have an Epic Battle on the Snow.  (frogs = good jumpers = mad ski jumping skillz).  However, I also think that we both would win medals over Bob Costas at providing amusing, insightful, and information packed Olympic-related commentary if we were to have an Epic Battle on the Television.  (I would give you the edge over me as you are quite capable of forming complete sentences out loud, and this is a skill that I have yet to master.) 

Importantly: do you agree with my assessment?  More importantly:  do you know if there are any tricks that the Costas or anyone else could pull that would thwart the Quests for Gold Medal Greatness?  Most importantly: what are you doing to prepare yourself for when you find out that Kansas is NOT invited to the Big Dance????  Ha HA again!

AGM

(Note to the readers – I’m intentionally ignoring all the KU digs and refuse to be goaded into responding… yet)  So last night I found myself in a swanky (defined as a place where I know I’m underdressed because the people around me pretty much look like they’re just about to go the the Emmys) restaurant in Miami.  At the bar were TVs showing Olympic coverage of Curling.  This sport is a little like Alpaca Farms for me in that I was aware it existed, but never thought much about it.  After roughly 2 seconds of watching I realized that I could definitely crush anyone at this “sport.”  I’m a strong sweeper, although I’m better with crushed Cheerios, and I once walked on a frozen lake for several seconds without falling down – isn’t that pretty much all that’s required?  The Canadians had a lady competing on their team who was 5 MONTHS PREGNANT.  Let’s be clear, I’m not anti-pregnancy or anything (as evidenced by my four adorable tax deductions at home), but if there’s a sport where the height of world-class competition features an athlete well into her second trimester I’m ready to call that a non-sport.  Perhaps more of a hobby.  Those folks seem nice and all, but they should definitely get WAY smaller medals than the other athletes at the games.  Pretty sure your guy Bob Costas was fighting hard to hide the smirk as he referred to the curlers.  You do realize that dude has the whole Benjamin Button thing going on – every time I see him he looks younger and that’s over a sustained period of like 25 years.

One idea for you – the announcers should all have to randomly choose a sport to compete in.  Picture a fancy goblet where they would draw out pieces of paper with the odd-looking symbols for events on them.  The NBC crew, all 3,492 of them would take turns drawing one and then they’d compete.  Bobby might get ski-jumping and, well, we probably wouldn’t hear from him again.  Though I’d rather see him doing a little Ice Dancing – at least he’d look significantly more masculine than the real male ice skaters.  Did you SEE what those guys were wearing?  Really?!  Do you skate better with 80’s shoulder pads and doilies on your wrists?!  Sheesh.  After I saw some of those costumes I officially swore off “men’s” ice skating.

I could add a lot more about the show in Vancouver, but this post is kind long already.  Thanks for the note.  I’ll look forward to taking down all curling challengers as I sweep up somebody else’s ice-mess with my mini broom!!

Games You Can Only Play With The Kids Once

I’ve observed lately that my kids are way smarter than I give them credit for when I try to get away with something.  Conversely, they’re, uh, not-so-bright when it comes to them thinking they can get away with stuff.  But I won’t dwell on that last point – that’s for a future post.  I do have to admit that even my best scheming usually fails to trick my troops.  Usually I will try to get them to do things that I want them to do by making it a “game.”  In this case, “game” is a nicer way of saying that I’m trying to manipulate the little creatures. 

Last week, alert-reader, Ken in Paris, sent in a great writing prompt to the HTF mailbox along these lines.  He sent over this cartoon that hit very close to home, except for the part where the dad has Alien Donald Trump hair.

If you’re a dad and haven’t tried that game, you’re simply not trying hard enough.  Here are a few other “games you can only play with your kids once” (let’s be clear, I haven’t tried ALL of these . . . yet)-

• “Whoever does the dishes will get a surprise” – the surprise usually being like an apple or something.  I kinda screwed that game up and it doesn’t get much traction at our house anymore since the last “surprise” was a . . . hug from daddy.
• “Pin the tail on your sister” – this was pretty funny for a few minutes, until, well, you know, puncture wounds.
• “Throw your brother’s clean underwear into the shower while he’s showering” – this is hilarious right up until someone tries to play the game with daddy
• “How long can you project the sun through a magnifying glass onto your hand” – hands shouldn’t smoke, so this one only worked once
• “I know you don’t like asparagus, but if you dip it in ketchup it’s actually super-fun to eat!” – this one works with MANY other deadly green foods, but not so much with asparagus
• “Who wants to take this cup of cold water and go wake mommy up with it?” – again, a fun game to watch from a REALLY safe distance.  Once.

Those are just a few, but I’m sure my wise readers have a bunch more to add.

The State of the Union and some stuff they can all agree on

I used to look forward to the State of The Union speech.  In a real way it was like watching an episode of The West Wing except in one where Martin Sheen gets interrupted by SUPER-ANNOYING cheering from people who supposedly like him every time he strings together 7 words in a row.  Tonight I caught some big chunks of this year’s speech – and I’m suddenly pretty worried about my own attention span.  The speech lasted 70 minutes officially, but it’s entirely possible that it’s still going on regardless of when you’re reading this. 

Barry had about 4 complete sentences flowing from the teleprompter, but each moment he moved his mouth he was interrupted by snarkily-cheering Democrats, some of whom were holding sings up that simply said, “Nee-nor-nee-nor-nee-nor.”  (I guess being in the majority feels good)  And if that wasn’t enough, the folks on the other side would vocally sneer (harder to do than it sounds) at the President or at least try to appear so stoic that they may or may not have been mannequins.  At times there was even some bizarre retaliatory cheering where they would take turns yelling “We have spirit yes we do!  We have spirit how about you!.”  At one point Nancy Pelosi actually threw her ubiquitous pom poms at some not-so-limber Republican senators who looked to be easily over 100 years old.  But sometimes, both sides cheered at exactly the same time as if they actually agreed on something the President said OR because it had been 20 whole seconds since the speech was interrupted.  Some of my favorite “unanimous cheering” lines were:

“We need to support doing things that will help people to find more money to donate to political campaigns.”

“I love dogs.”

“Your government totally has your best interests at heart – all the time – so just keep sending in those taxes and we’ll do some good stuff.  And, even if you don’t send enough, don’t worry, we’ll go ahead and spend what you didn’t send in anyway.”

Isn’t it great that our impartial CongressPeople can all get along sometimes when they’re not accusing each other of devil-worship and being against children?  Speaking of impartiality, after the speech I watched some of the super-fair analysis on the FoxNews from objective people like Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin.  After hearing them talk, I’m kinda convinced that The President is about to rob my house, sell my stuff to the chinese, and then give the proceeds to the terrorists.

But I’m not that worried, cuz he’s probably still trying to wrap up his speech.

My Little Bro on Conan!

Yeah, I’m a little bit proud.  My brother, Rob, is playing the bass guitar here.  Pretty good week to be on Conan – there were a few people watching!!  The new record is Awesome!

That Lady In Chicago

A few nights ago my always-looking-out-for-me wife told me I needed to sit down and watch a particular episode of Oprah with her.  Now let’s be clear – I’ve been there done that with the Big O (in that sentence “big” refers to her being HYPER-FAMOUS and INSANELY-WEALTHY, it had nothing to do with girth).  Over the years I’ve seen a few of her shows that I thought were awful good, and I’ve also seen a few that I thought were, well, awful.  This particular show was about the dangers of cell-phoning (texting and yapping) while driving.  Of course the way Oprah makes her point is with multiple real-life stories.  After a few of these incredibly depressing, but sobering accounts, Traci had to stop me from using a sledge-hammer on my phone.  Do not question the effectiveness of Oprah’s producers and her “how do you feel…” questions aimed at tearful guests.

I am sold.

I do text and drive, sometimes e-mail, sometimes IM, sometimes Facebook.

I won’t do that anymore – and suggest you do the same.

My hat tip to Harpo.  And gracias to the Mrs HTF, who is right more often than I care to admit.

And People Vacation Here . . . On Purpose?!

I got this note a couple days ago in the HTF mailbox from the always inquisitive CM:

Dear HTF:

Do you think falling iguanas are a sign of the Apocalypse? 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100107/ap_on_bi_ge/us_winter_weather

I think if the Apocalypse was happening, it would probably begin in Florida, don’t you?

CM

First, thanks for the question.  The short answer is, “YES.” And the medium answer is “WITHOUT A DOUBT.”  How do I know that?  Because I happen to actually be sitting in a hotel room in Ft Lauderdale of all places.  And after being here for a few days I can confirm that whatever apocalyptic chicanery (good name for a rock band) you’re referring to isn’t just going to start here, but I’m pretty sure it started some time ago.  When I got off the plane the wind chill was below freezing.  How weird is weather like that in Miami?  It’s roughly the same weirdness level as an NFL Offensive Lineman winning the Ice Dancing competition in the forthcoming Olympics.

Next, there MUST be something crazy going on because humans don’t drive the way Floridians do.  It’s like EVERYONE hasn’t eaten in 3 weeks and they’re on their way to the Chuck ‘O Rama – ain’t nothin’ getting in their way or even slowing them down.  Also the cars here are wired differently because whenever people push the brake their horn goes off.  After a couple days I don’t even notice horns or people driving on the sidewalk anymore.

Also, I’m pretty sure there’s something biblical that says “And it shall come to pass that the Lions will hang out with the lambs AND the 15-foot-long alligators will roam freely as if they were insurance salesmen.”  Tonight we had dinner sitting outside near a canal.  This wouldn’t be a dangerous thing in most any other part of the universe, but while we were eating I heard a huge splash.  I’ll admit we didn’t see what caused it it, but unless someone dropped a Mid-Size-Volkswagon in the water we were dining near an alligator – guess he was into Chinese food.  Lets be clear, this doesn’t happen in the real world.

The last thing – if you watch the local news here, you’ll never go outside . . . ever . . . because you become convinced that something terrible will happen to you.

So I could go on, but your super-accurate guess about where the end of things will start seems spot on!  Congrats on your wisdom and for living not in Florida.

Here’s a photo from yesterday of me at Ft Lauderdale beach – note the layered clothing and the shifty eyes looking for bald-man-eating alligators and/or self-important people driving their Escalades on the beach in a huge hurry:

PS – I do love me the Palm Trees

Finally Getting to the list and a Random Winner

You might be thinking that my New Year’s Resolutions was - “Don’t blog.”  Well, not so much.  I want to thank those of you who played along with the little “favorite posts of 2009” thing.  That was helpful – and a little surprising at times.  Also, huge congrats to the Fabulous CM who wins the prize.  I just used a spreadsheet to generate a random number to pick the winner.  Let there be no challenge to my geekiness!  So off to the right on my blog you’ll see the new list of top posts of 2009.  I’ve also been working diligently, by which I mean that I thought about it a couple times, on a new HTF music playlist.  So far I’ve identified about 25 songs and I’ll add a few more and post it soon.

Anyway, I want to be the last to say Happy 2010 to you!!

Here’s a can of tuna to help you celebrate:

The Big Wrap Up – The First Annual HTF Fantasy Football League

Well, the epic first annual HTF Fantasy Football League has come to a close.  In fitting fashion, Emmy (Blue Blood) was our league champion after being in first place for much of the season.  Congrats to her!!  Christy, with her losing record and 8th seed in the playoffs blew through the post-season and captured 2nd – a fairly remarkable accomplishment.  Also, shout out to the Trainspotters (Mark & Rhoopa) who made a big run and landed the bronze medal!

  

Fittingly I landed at the bottom, kinda disappointing, but you certainly can’t accuse me of dominating the fantasy rookies – more like the other way around.

THANK YOU to those of you who played along!  I know that a lot of you did it with serious trepidation, but stuck it out.  I also know we’ve created a few new fantasy football freaks with this, so that’s cool too.  We’re only 8 months away from the next draft!!

Guest Post: A Cow With Too Many Legs, Astronauts, Bob Dole, and the Science of Speeding Across Kansas

A couple nights ago I had a short conversation with someone about what driving across Kansas is like.  Even as a Kansan, I’ll tell you the drive is not for the faint of heart or for the day-time.  The next morning I was stoked to get a guest post submission (one of my favorite things to receive) from my good friend Dave who recently made the trip home to Kansas for the holidays.  Many lines here made me super-chuckle, mostly because they’re frighteningly accurate.  Check it out:

It has been nearly two years since I last went home to visit my family and friends. As I made my way in to town, it occurred to me that there are a few lessons I have learned or have been reaffirmed on this trip, as well as a few observations that I’d like to share with you.

• State Troopers will not pull drivers over (usually) for exceeding the speed limit by 9mph.
• State Troopers will pull drivers over for exceeding the speed limit by 11mph.
• Colorado seems to have more State Troopers than Kansas does.
• Oakley, KS advertises – and I am not making this up - a 5-legged steer (is that a family appropriate attraction?) as well as the world’s largest prairie dog. **And you thought there was nothing to do in western Kansas.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Hays seems like a fairly big city.
• Russell, KS remains very excited to be the home of Bob Dole.
• The farther into Kansas I drive; the more chemical (caffeine) help I need to stay awake. Yet the farther into Colorado I drive, the less help I need.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Salina seems like a fairly big city.
• Three towns along I-70 boast being the homes of various astronauts. I didn’t recognize their names, but going from a small KS town to, well, space is pretty impressive.
• You can tell by the smell seeping in through the air vents if you’re downwind of a cow farm or a pig farm.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Abilene seems like…well, no, not even then.
• Kansas seems to have more State Troopers than Missouri does.
• When the youngest child traveling is 11, you can make much better time than when the youngest child is 7. (We made the trip of 607 miles in 9½ hours with only 4 stops. That averages out to just less than 64mph with stops. A new personal record! Compare that with the 1100 mile - one way - trip made a few months ago, where the stops averaged one about every 14.7 miles and took, as I recall, approx. 5 weeks.)

It was very nice to come home for Christmas. But I am also reminded why I left this part of the country. Were it not for my family and friends, whom I love, and the food (yea for Kansas City BBQ!!!) I would never come here. Merry Christmas everybody!

Helping with the CountDown, Winning a Prize, and a big Gracias

This morning I found myself watching VH1’s best videos of 2009.  I wasn’t really that interested, but there’s something about those countdown show were you just HAVE to know who wins, even if it is stupid Lady GaGa.  Her video that they showed was more “troubling” than “good.”  But I can’t claim a lot of shock there.

Anyway, with the year wrapping up it’s time to do my own little countdown of the best HTF posts of 2009.  And like last year I’m asking for your help to do it (via an unashamed bribe).  Please post a comment or send an e-mail with your top 3-10 HTF posts of 2009 – assuming you actually liked any of them.  Everyone who does will be entered into a drawing for a sweet Amazon.com gift card redeemable for pretty much anything – I’ve learned this holiday season that you can literally buy ANYTHING on there.  Last year the participation was great and my awesome sister-in-law won the drawing.  The final date for entries will be Dec 27th.

I also wanted to sincerely thank the few of you who read the blog for sticking with me this year, especially those who linked to me, sent in questions, or posted comments.  It’s been a pretty wild one and the posts have come out in spurts, and a few of them certainly made little to no sense.  I even toyed with hanging up the blog thing for a time.  But still, you’ve stuck with me – meaning you are both patient and easily-entertained!  (these are qualities that are great at holiday parties as well)

I’ve always been super-lucky to have the best friends in the world (that includes my family).  Some of you who’ve known me for a while know that to be true.  Not sure how that’s happened, but it’s a huge deal to me.  So I say gracias, sincerely.

Now, enough with sappiness!  Send in those entries and win a prize.  Then you can get back to the fun of the holidays – meaning we eat stuff we shouldn’t and get presents that we never would’ve purchased for ourselves (this could be good or bad).