Monday, November 30, 2009

The Museum I Hope to Never Patronize On Purpose Again

Sometimes you go to Chuck E. Cheese and end up face to face with a REAL LIVE GIANT ANACONDA who’s sole desire is to swallow your crushed body in one gulp.  It’s just one of those things that happens . . . to me.

Yesterday the kids helped with the “crazy extensive wet leaf clean-up project” (we’ve now spent more time cleaning up leaves at our new house that we have spent actually sleeping in it) so we decided to reward them with a little high quality Chuck E Cheese time.  Also, our awesome cousins Henry and Arthur were in town, so we wanted to show them a little hyper-fun.  When we arrived we quickly discovered that it wasn’t meant to be.  There was a LINE OUT THE DOOR to get in the place and you can just imagine what it was like inside.  Absolutely frightening….  So we told the kiddos we’d have to make other plans – only 25% of our 4 kids threw a complete NUCLEAR FIT about it, so that was good.

At this point we brainstormed other options, hoping to still show our kids and cousins a little fun.  I made the lame proposals of the mall or bookstore (a family favorite) and then Traci spit out something totally random that piqued tons of interest from the kids and utter fear from daddy -

REPTILE MUSEUM  (click the link)

I kept my protest limited to my inside my head voice.  You see, you don’t know anybody who is as petrified of snakes (which happen to be reptiles) as HTF, but I didn’t want to voice that weakness too loudly.  But I was pretty sure there’d be some snakes there since there’s a giant mock King Cobra head above the entrance to the place.  I was banking on one of our kids misbehaving so I’d have to sit in the car with them.  This technique is usually quite successful for me.  Well, no such luck.  Instead, I had a little girl who needed the bathroom and my introduction to the museum was the lady at the front desk telling me that the restroom was “straight back, all the way through the snake section, just after the Anaconda.”  Oh good.  On the walk back, I’m telling you friends, I almost passed out.  Sydney had to talk me into leaving the bathroom by pulling on my hand.  embarrassing?  Yeah.  But what are ya gonna do?  Oh I survived it, but just barely.  They had the 10 DEALIEST SNAKES there and my 4 year old took me by the hand from cage to cage and pounded on the glass.  Sheesh.

Anyway, I don’t know where the phobia came from, but I confirmed that it’s quite real.  The kicker is that I paid money for that experience – kinda like a root canal I guess.  But the little kids all had fun (I guess that was the point)!

PS – I was gonna post a snake picture on the blog, but did a search and was too freaked out at the images, so you’ll have to settle for this:

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

What’s Manlier than Singing to Plush Toys?!

Putting the kids to bed is admittedly easier than it used to be now that our youngest can dress herself, sorta.  (We still mostly believe that wearing Dora underwear on your head is super-funny)  Still, if you have children or have observed “bedtime with kids” from a reasonably close distance you know that this is not for the faint of heart.  (or maybe it’s just my kids that are trouble)  A few nights ago I found myself bathing uncooperative girls (meaning I got wetter than they did), reading books about princesses, and singing “Goodnight Sweetheart” to a toy sheep.  In and of themselves, none of these are real burdens and I’ll probably miss it all someday.  Still, after 3 of the four kids had melted down and were throwing small, but deadly, objects at my head I walked away.  My wife asked me where I was going and all I could spit out was,

“I’m going to do guy stuff.”

Not sure why that was the reaction, but it came out.  Let’s be clear, by most reasonable definitions of “guy stuff” I don’t do much.  I remember a Jan 5th night a few years ago where, after saying our bedtime prayer, I opened my eyes and realized that I HADN’T WATCHED A SINGLE COLLEGE BOWL GAME.  Wow, kinda crazy how life changes things.  Here are a few of the “guy” activities I very occasionally do:

  • Chopping wood – never felt more “guy-like”
  • Playing basketball – this is fun, but inevitably depressing since my skilz here peaked well over a decade ago…
  • Watch TV Sports, but never live, that takes too much time.  I DVR so I can skip commercials.  Also I usually have to turn down the volume so low that I sit 6 inches from the screen to hear (kids are “sleeping”)
  • Loud rock/rap music – I’ve corrupted the kiddos with this one.  (i’m good with that)  But the volume is a constant battle with the Mrs. HTF.  I don’t need to tell you who wins…

So I’ve been racking my brain for what kind of “guy stuff” I’d do given the time . . . and I’m coming up emptier than I’m comfortable admitting.  Since most of you readers are very much not guys, I’m not sure how much you can help, but do you have any suggestions?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

HTF The Fantasy Football League – Week 9 Update

An update on the league is a couple weeks overdue, particularly since I somehow crept back into first place in spite of being one of the poorest scoring teams in the league.  This week Blue Blood and I play in a grudge match for the outright best record in the league.  Here are the current standings:


Emmy and I should be pretty worried about D&D and the Possumz.  Still there are a lot of weeks left and you can expect the standings to change big time.  In the HTF mailbox this week I got this note that I will do my best slightly try to respond to (see answers inserted in the actual note):

Dear HTF,

Since I’m still a novice at this stuff, I hope you don’t mind a couple of NFL related questions. 

1.  Do you think that I am the only person who kept wondering why the Miami Dolphins (Hurricanes?  Herald?) hired Tony Soprano as their coach?

A: Pretty much it’s just you and Ricky Williams.  Just understand that there may or may not be consequences for crossing the new coach…oaklandkicker2korton

2. Who is scarier:  Kyle Orton or Sebastian Janikowski?     

A:  Tough one, but I gotta go with Janky there.  KO is REALLY hard to look at and his facial hair looks like a science experiment gone horribly wrong.  But J-dog could literally kick my bootie through the uprights from like 50 yards out.

3. Would you be open to throwing your match-up during week 11? 

A:  You bet, so you won’t even need to play any of your good players, go ahead, bench ‘em, give ‘em a rest that week. 

4.  Who has the more interesting facial hair:  Kyle Orton or Sebastian Janikowski?

A:  See question 2

5.  I heard the person who has the most number of moves and transactions gets a prize!!  I am well on my way toward that goal.  What is it??? 

A:  The prize is that before your first playoff game everyone in the league gets to give you their worst player and you have to find a spot for them on your roster . . . big congrats on that one!

6.  Who has the greatest number of teammates avoid him because he is just so . . . creepy:  Kyle Orton or Sebastian Janikowski?

A:  Since SJ is a kicker, he pretty much gets avoided by default.  Most teammates hardly remember he exists.  The KO is actually stared at pretty often by teammates in much the same way that it’s hard to not look at the albino crocodile at the zoo.  You try to take your eyes of it, but find yourself stealing glances because, well, it’s so incredibly weird.

gregolsen 7. Is it okay if I make a public apology right now?  Thanks!!!  I would like to apologize to Greg Olsen because I was on the verge of dropping him on Saturday night, but I did not do so because I became distracted by an episode of Top Chef.  If anyone cares, I am rooting for Kevin or Jen, but the Voltaggio Brothers bring lots of entertainvoltaggio bros ment value and make me laugh every single time they bicker.  Does anyone else have a hard time telling them apart when the one brother’s tattoo sleeve is covered up?  Anyway, I would also like to tell Mr. Olsen I’m sorry that I went around and told several people that he may or may not have a mullet.  I’m thinking that he must definitely have a mullet after he scored three touchdowns yesterday because everyone knows that mullets give players power, strength, tons of FF points, and uh . . . unique(?) style.  (See Drew Von Breesi.)

8.  What do you think Sebastian Janikowski's nickname is?  'Cause that is one loooong name.

A.  “Drum-Stick” – cuz have you seen those legs?! 

Thanks for answering my questions, O Froggy Football Expert!  I am so lovin' this game!!!  Destination:  PLAYOFFS!!!!

rabid robot possumz

Glad you’re enjoying the party!  Good luck to everyone this week, except for, of course, Sangre Azul!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hitting things with sticks and my eye doctor tries to make me cry

It’s been a little while.  No real compelling reason other than the fact that it gets dark at like 3:30 here now and the evenings zap my will to push buttons.  Here are just a few random things:

  • Today I received the following instant message from a coworker:  “ok I'm going to connect a corp and then give you a ping”  If you know how to interpret that I’m all ears.  I’m not sure how to feel about it.  (my current list of options are fearful, complimented, or offended)
  • A couple nights ago my wife articulated in out-loud-words what exactly was going through her head.  (typically she filters so well, whether intentional or not, that I’m left being, well, a guy trying to guess)  Her exact words were, “You’re supposed to read my mind!”  Trust me, there’s no good response to a statement like that.  And women everywhere agreed with her statement.
  • We (by which I’m pretty much just referring to myself) bought Guitar Hero World Tour (the one with the drums and mic and stuff) last week.  We’ve had fun being wannabe rockers.  We did it for FHE activity the other night and at one point my sons and I were all gathered around a single mic singing the “lyrics” (air-quotes intended) to “Beat It” while Traci strummed the guitar and the girls (ages 4 & 6) hit anything they could find with drum sticks . . . repeatedly.  Our family = not the people to put in the ads.
  • My optometrist told me yesterday that I don’t drink enough water – how does she know that you may ask?  Well, it was because she (and I’m not making this up) "couldn’t make me tear-up (cry)”  Wow, ok.  I guess women drink like WAY more water than guys if that’s the measure of water intake.  And no one told me I was paying that lady to make me cry.

In other news, Go Larry Johnson!!  (I’m serious, dude, go, go far away)

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