The Things You Can Buy In Illinois

Oftentimes real life is way crazier than anything they could put into movies or even into episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  Today's events surrounding the "Governor" (air quotes intended) of Illinois are a perfect example of this.  Thanks to alert reader, AGM, who pointed this story out to me and has already blogged about who would play this guy in the surely forthcoming made-for-TV movie.  If you're not up to date on the story, it's basically this, presented in bullet-point format because I work in corporate America:

- Illinois Governor Rod "Helmut-Hair" Blagojevichiwiczisnicklefritz was arrested at his house at 6 AM this morning after a really long investigation which consisted mostly of Federal Agents watching him say STUPID things on CNN.  Oh yeah, and they wiretapped his phone and office too.  What, you may ask, did he do wrong? . . . .

- With Barak Obama getting the small promotion from junior senator of Illinois to Supreme Commander of Everything, his senate seat was "open."  You'd think they'd have a rule where you had to pull a sword out a rock or something to get that seat, but no, the governor could just pick pretty much anyone he wants.  So he had a great Idea, which was . . .

- "Let's auction it off for charity to the highest bidder!!"  (with the proceeds going directly to me and my wife)  This seemed perfectly reasonable, since he probably consulted with the previous governor of Illinois, who, and I'm not making this up, is currently in prison.  Makes you proud to be an Illinoisian I'm sure.  But that's not the craziest part.  The most brazen part of the deal was . . .

- He KNEW the feds were listening in, and still tried to make the sale.  (you gotta read up on this guy's history, it's amazing)  Pretty sure that when he posted bail this morning he offered Barry's seat to the District Attorney for a hair brush and a piece of gum.  There's a lot more to the story, but you get the gist of it.  You should read the actual articles if you're not sufficiently excited for the upcoming movie.

What is up with politics in Illinois?!  Tonight on CNN, Roland Martin, who very recently was "prouder than ever to be from Chicago" was suddenly from Texas (that sentence was true).  The President-Elect, when asked about the events, claimed to have never heard of Illinois, and then said something powerful about hoping for change. (that part's less-than-true)  The best part of the whole thing is that this story is just getting started.  And the other best part is that I now know what I want the Mrs. HTF to buy me for Christmas!!

A Senate Seat!!!  (or maybe just a Wii)

Election Night Live Blog

5:15 PM PST:  And so it begins, or should I say, ends.  Most of the votes have been cast, and polls are closing all up and down the Eastern part of the country.  Welcome to the live HTF analysis/commentary of Election night.  You'll read snide remarks valuable insights that will hopefully make the event just that much better.  This is the Super Bowl of politics capping a presidential race that began way before I was born.  We'll see if this can go interactive tonight.  Here's what I ask - add your comments early and often.  Send in e-mails to henrythefrog@gmail.com.  Don't just read along, play along.  (hit "Refresh" to see the new posts) A couple of you have told me that this blog is the source of most of your political news which is frightening interesting.  I am at my desk on the West Coast and will drive home now.  As it stands Barry has a 103 to 34 lead, and the networks that I can access on the internet are showing a good deal of coverage of people gathering for the huge "We Love Our New President Obama" party in Illinois.  Probably a sign of how the night's gonna go.  I'll be back with an update when I get "home" (by which I mean my lonely apartment).  It's entirely possible the election will be over by then, meaning that the millions of folks in the West could've probably just avoided standing in those lines we saw on the news.  (on that note, here's Brian Williams blowing you a kiss)

5:53 PM PST:  I just landed on the couch.  Catching an interview with BO Campaign Chair David Axelrod.  I LOVE that last name.  I'm told his best friends are named John Crankshaft and Eddie Gearshift.  Welcome to AGM - she correctly pointed out the creepiness of Ann Curry's hologram thing where she looks like she's in a greek cartoon showing us incomprehensible charts and graphs about "exit polls."  (these are actually metal poles placed at the exit of the church or library you vote at and built to not allow you to leave until you are thoroughly questioned.)

6:02 PM PST:  I've done a quick scan of all of the "news" (cable and otherwise) channels and have learned what the real point of tonight is: to find out which station has the most flashy, impossible to use without extensive training, big, "touchable", computer thingy.  I just saw Soledad O'Brien yell at a 97 year old guy trying to get the touch screen to work.  As he repeatedly poked it with his finger she not-so-patiently pointed out, "you need to touch it higher!"

6:14 PM PST:  James "Golum" Carville is so excited about the fact that dems are winning EVERTHING that he just sprouted hair live on CNN!

6:23 PM PST:  I'm loving how the talking heads keep getting interrupted by a funny bell sound telling them there's a "Voter Alert."  It's like they suddenly forget how to speak when that happens, and that's saying something.  Current score: Barry 174  JohnyMac 69

And in a sign of how anticlimactic the night seems to be going I just got a text from BGray saying he's trying to decide whether to watch the election or run 4 miles.

6:28 PM PST:  Hello to Marie who fairly questions whether "Axelrod" was a real name.  Trust me, I had to verify that one too when I first heard it.  Wolffgang Blitzer just pointed at a huge screen covered with numbers and said, "THESE ARE REAL VOTES."  Wow, I'm glad to know we're not posting FAKE votes, but we haven't gotten to Florida yet.

And AGM, I'm with you on the Magic Skates and JK.  But he is that MASTER of the touch screen.  Right now he's just mumbling and drawing happy-faces all over a map of Ohio with his index finger.

6:45 PM PST:  Hi Amanda, welcome to the blog!  JK is still playing with his touch screen.  He just did a scenario where McCain wins almost everything that's left and it's not enough.  Then he said to all west coast voters (a good name for a rock band), "God Bless you, but please still vote.  Nice to feel pointless.  But as the Mrs. HTF just told me on the phone referring to West Coast voters: "Your vote may not count, but at least you're awake enough to see everyone else's results"

6:48 PM PST:  JJ is in the house!  (see comments)  I can't type that without thinking "DY-NO-MITE."  She's wisely opted to not watch election coverage and instead watch "Get Smart."  This happens to be exactly what JohnyMac and the Mrs. JohnyMac are doing right now. 

6:55 PM PST:  Most stations are calling Ohio for Barry.  It's quite over, but we all knew that several hours ago.  We see now that the networks are trying to drag this thing out as long as possible but not calling the whole thing.  Right now the CNN panel of talking heads is having a heated debate on dental hygiene.  Ew, David Gergen (heretofore known as G-Dogg) just started speaking - see women everywhere swoon.

CM just told me that the local station in KC has switched over to coverage of the Fort Osage Fire Dept Tax proposal.  Nuf said...

7:03 PM PST:  Here is an actual exchange from CNN talking about Obama's electoral votes:

Anderson "I'm too cool" Cooper to Wolff: "When he gets to 270, what do we do?"

Wolff's response: "We report that!"

It's hilarious to listen to these people try to drag out the non-drama.

7:22 PM PST:  Well my friends (said in a John Mccain-like voice) that's it.  I had hoped it might go on for a bit longer.  I just snuck into the Obama fortress in Chicago and snapped this photo for you:

He looks kinda bummed out.  If you look closely you can see the plans for drapes and carpet in the White House.  Watching the talking heads you can tell that the only thing keeping most of them (the non-Fox News folks) from screaming out in glee is the fact that, as JJ just pointed out, they have to "fill hours of time with meaningless and humorless comments."

Thanks to those of you who logged in and played along.  I acknowledge that most of you are probably quite asleep and/or watching something interesting by now.  If you have any post-election thoughts/questions, send 'em in and I'd be happy to post a response that you're guaranteed to either like ... or not.

Glossy Ads and Pessimism

I opened my mailbox today at my temporary apartment and was overwhelmed by a deluge of glossy ads proclaiming that certain politicians would certainly make everyone instantly wealthy and their competitors were against children, puppies, and world peace.  Like most of you I'm kinda fried on politics right now.  But I'm a guy living alone who also happens to be a political junkie - so absent stories about my kids, I'm left to blog about the reality TV that is the 12 year-long presidential election that's about to end.  The "media" are helping us all make informed decisions by being perfectly impartial third-parties dedicated to providing absolutely untainted facts equally supporting both sides.  This was demonstrated while I was in the gym a couple days ago (true story) - I was kickin' it on the treadmill and I looked up at the big TVs in the room.  Here were the two "breaking news stories":

CNN - "Obama is surging in the polls and pulling ahead"

Fox - "McCain is surging in the polls and closing the gap"

I deeply appreciated the clarity from the talking heads. 

Since I voted yesterday via absentee ballot, I care somehow even less about what's being said on the tube.  (not that that'll stop me from watching)  Politics kicks up so much emotion and hipocracy - I'm guilty of both I'm sure.  It'll be quite interesting to see what 90% of voters have to do when there's no W in the White House to vilify.  It'll be a big shift for many people to not have someone to just be AGAINST - they'll have to be FOR something. 

For instance, I know many people who helped beat the drums FOR the war (or at least didn't oppose it in any way noticeable to themselves) and woke up one day totally AGAINST it and the once very-popular president.  It's hard to root for a losing team, especially in politics and college football.  So one way or another about half of us will be happy on Tues night and half will have a new somebody to be against.  I think we need more people who are optimistic about government, cuz based on like 98.5% of my conversations with folks about politics in the last three years, it's tough to get more pessimistic.  And I have yet to see pessimism really ever help people accomplish much.

Also, maybe someday I'll get something good in the mail.

Economists and Plumbers are suddenly rock stars!

I should be snoozin' right now, but I can't help but opine about a couple news items from what was a pretty eventful day:

(in no particular, you know, order)

1. Stocks crashed for like the 11th time in the past 9 trading days. Economists, who have never been more popular, are saying that this "recession" will be "deep." When pressed for details they used penetrating words like "bad" and "long." Seriously, is there a big different between an enconomist and a psychic?
Psychic: "I sense that somebody in the audience will have an experience, a bad one . . . in the future."
I guess the difference is that when economists open their mouths bad things actually happen (see first sentence).

2. Tonight was the final of the 439 presidential debates in an election that began in the the spring of 1992 and is quickly coming to a close. I was lucky enough to only catch the last 30 minutes. Something struck me while I was watching it - there is absolutely no chance that these guys can possibly be telling the entire truth here - and they HAVE to know it. Still they must have reason to think that we're not bright enough to figure out who is stretching the truth the most. In the immortal words of Charlie Young (The West Wing Season 2) - "Everyone gets treated like they're stupid in an election year." That's probably truer than we'd like to admit.
At one point Mccain accused Obama of inventing cancer and Barak let us all know that John had been Hitler's campaign manager way back when. I'm pretty sure people don't like hearing these intriguing allegations because when they were mentioned the "hypnotic tracking signal" that CNN shows had both gender lines go off the bottom of the screen.

But the oddest thing was that some guy named Joe the Plumber had a staring role in the debate. He was mentioned twice by Barry and NINE TIMES by JohnyMac. He kept coming up regardless of the topic Bob threw at them. Pretty sure he's gonna be in somebody's cabinet.

So here's to all of you economists and plumbers out there - we've apparently never needed you more!

Deputy Downer

Warning - my unstated goal with 90+% of posts is to leave you chuckling and sending the blog post to all of your friends, family, neighbors, and even those people you don't know who are your "friends" on Facebook. Granted, I typically fail at my goal, but a guy can dream. This is not one of those funny posts.

Is it just me, or is everyone, and I mean everyone, a little more down and/or on edge? Seriously, I get this sense that all the really-nasty economic stuff going on, coupled with an increasingly-annoying election is starting to drag us all down at least a bit. Seems like folks are thinking a lot more cup-half-empty about the future, and who can blame 'em? There's not much eminating from the news channels to life our spirits (but isn't that almost always the case). It really does feel like the end of life as we know it, for now at least. These guys running for president are doing nothing to make me feel better, in fact, I was gonna vote for JohnyMac, who I've never really been a fan of, and as of today I'm squarely on the fence. (I know that'll shock a lot of you since I've never voted for a donkey-party candidate - this may be the first time) The solutions to the financial problems coming from politicians involves throwing ungodly piles of money at things. We're over a TRILLION DOLLARS if you're keeping score at home. Imagine if we could've used that money to fundamentally reform education and/or make ourselves energy independent (or we could've built a road from Seattle to Hawaii so I'd have another place to visit on weekends).

I'm a bright-side guy usually. Big problems are typically somebody else's problems - if you know what I mean. And I have almost nothing to complain about. Yet here I sit in an apartment in Kirkland, WA - alone. My family, who I miss so badly that it hurts is 3,000 miles away and the only thing that's keeping us apart is that we need to sell our house - at the worse possible time in my lifetime to be selling a house. Our realtor let us know, in a kind way, that like nobody is crazy enough to buy houses right now unless they're gonna steal 'em from people. So yeah, I guess this financial crisis is suddenly feeling real, at least more real than the "on-paper" loses that I cringe at in the 401K and IRAs. We'll deal though and things will work out one way or another. We are incredibly blessed and have so much to be thankful for. Still I ask you, is my little view of how people are thinking/feeling just shaped by my family's own little trials or is it more pervasive than that? Let me know.

As for me, well, I need to laugh. It's just a lot harder to do that alone.

HTF (aka "Deputy Downer" .... sorry about that)

That's A Lot of Zeros

After my post on the subject, a few of you have sent in questions about Congress's bailout, rescue, nonsensical, $700B "package." I have lots to say on the subject, but to answer the most common question, here is a chart that even the US Congress can understand:



Hope I don't come across as too jaded, but this chart looks pretty accurate to HTF . . .

Keep sending in your questions/comment/jokes/rants to henrythefrog@gmail.com.

What You Need To Know Before You Vote!!

Today, we go to the mailbag for a timely question from another alert reader who is clearly a political junkie in need of a fix:

Dear HTF,

Another Presidential debate is coming up this week. What is the one question that you would ask each candidate?

Signed,
"I'm so glad someone else came up with the answer to the three questions because I'm still stuck on, "Uhhh . . . "

P.S. Because you wanted more audience participation & a full mailbox makes everyone feel great, I decided to throw in a PS for you. My questions would be:

--Barry, there are a lot of Big Poppa fans (like ahem, me!) out there. Why did you choose Ole Crazy Joe over him as your running mate?
and
--Grandpa, some people (ahem, me again!) think that Republicans are horrible dancers. Defend your party, Gramps!!

Did you just call the junior senator from Illinois, "Barry?!"

Sweet.

Those are strong suggestions. I've spent several days (by which I mean I haven't spent more than 3 seconds) now researching and formulating vital questions that the American public needs answers to in the upcoming debate. Here are a few that Captain Tommy should sling at the odd couple on stage this week:

- "Senator Obama, of the endangered species out there, which one deserves our greatest attention and which one should go hunting with Dick Cheney?"

- "Senator McCain, if you had to give Britney Spears a cabinet post which one would it be and why?"

- "Senator Big-Foam-Columns, you're against capital punishment, but what do you propose we do with that mosquito sucking blood from your forehead right now?"

- "Senator Lots-of-Houses, would you support a proposal requiring supreme court justices to wear Bono-sunglasses and JT Fedoras whenever they don their robes?"

Thanks for the question, alert reader. I could go on and on, but let's open it up to the 3 of you who actually read the blog. Click "comment" and enlighten us on what you'd like to hear.

Saving The Planet With Wooden Arrows, Rum, and Sheep Hair

I'm told there's a financial crisis sweeping the world and that it involves words like "distressed assets" and "mortgage-backed-securities" and "collateralized-debt-obligations" and my favorite, "unclog." Suddenly our elected officials and the omniscient ones talking to us on our television are experts in all of these words. I'm pretty sure the only one they understand is the last one. I've been meaning to write about this and you'll hear more in the coming days, (now that the US Congress is on the job I'm sure the crisis is in our read view mirrors) but I wanted to address a question sent in by another alert reader:

Dear HTF:

Why are there wooden arrows designed for use by children? This sounds dangerous and really should be addressed in the bailout plan. What do you think?

CM

CM, you should run for congress, cuz you're obviously able to "think" the way they "think." (air-quotes intended) What you're referring to are the several NECESSARY MEASURES that were included in the bailout-rescue-Save-the-World bill that passed today. Here are a few items that were key to the passage of the bill, and I am not making this up:

Wooden arrows: This tax break, backed by Oregon's two senators, would benefit an Oregon manufacturer of wooden arrows for children by $2 million over 10 years.

Racetracks: Earmark would allow auto racetrack owners to depreciate their facilities over seven years, saving the industry $100 million over two years. (cuz we ALL need to watch people turning left)

Rum: Offers rum producers in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands a rebate on excise taxes worth $192 million over two years. (did we really need to bailout rum producers?!)

Wool: Reduces tariffs for U.S. makers of wool fabric that use imported yarn, worth $148 million over five years. The measure was pushed by Reps. Louise Slaughter, D-N.Y., and Melissa Bean, D-Ill. (I guess the US Sheep lobby isn't what it used to be)

Hollywood: Extends a tax break for film and TV companies that keep their production in the United States, worth $478 million over 10 years. The provision was originally pushed by Rep. Diane Watson, D-Los Angeles. (if we're gonna have a depression, we need entertainment more than ever!)

And it's a wonder that EVERYONE I talk to thinks the Congress is run by do-do birds (and that's me being nice to Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi). Both parties are equally do-do-ish on this one, "W" signed the thing this afternoon. Its $700 Billion, so I guess they thought they could sneak these by us out of sheer size. I wish they'd have thrown by mortgage in there. Or at least we could've bought Canada or something.

Anyway, back to your original question -

"Why do children need wooden arrows?"

To shoot at the "adults" running this country.

(click on the image below - also provided by CM, titled "October Madness")

That Big Austrian Guy

We're back to the mailbag today and get to hear from a big Arnold fan.

Dear HTF:
So since the RNC didn’t get started until Tuesday, and Arnold S. was supposed to speak on Monday, we just miss out? How can this be allowed to happen? I was so looking forward to hearing him say (insert thick Austrian accent here) “California” 5 or 6 times during his speech…what a bummer!

CM

Yeah, I was bummed too about the Governator not getting to wow the crowd with his wit and wisdom. I'm told that between speakers they showed key scenes from Predator and Kindergarten Cop (two strikingly similar films) so that the crowd wouldn't feel like they missed out too much. Last night after the balloons had deflated and the confetti had sufficiently clogged up the air conditioning system those wild and crazy Republicans gathered around the big screen and watched all 28 Terminator movies. So yea, we missed out, but since your favorite politician is a bit of a movie star, he can always be with you, CM. Thanks for the question!

Got any important/irrelevant questions or comments? Send 'em in to henrythefrog@gmail.com.

Republicans Get Loco, Moose Hunting Among Friends, and There Will Be Change

So I just finished watching McCain's speech and the end of the RNC. It should probably be renamed RDB (Republicans Dancing Badly). Clearly there is an epidemic of rhythmically-impaired Republicans and we need an emergency Federal Program to address the problem. Right now there are lots and lots of balloons and winter has started early in Minnesota, cuz it looks like it snowing in there. Pretty sure that one of those white beach-ball balloons knocked over the Senator's 138 year-old mother. (who I'm not a fan of because of this)

I hope that a lot of you (by which I mean both of you who read my blog) got to see some of the show this week. I think the way we elect a president is a bizarre process, which I'll document for you at some point, but these conventions are a marvelous way to kick off the last couple months of more political ads than actual TV programing. Reflecting on it now though, they should've probably just ended it last night with Sarah Palin's speech. Are you serious?! That was amazing. If you haven't seen it, go check it out, regardless of your party, gender, race, age, religion, shoe size, dental care status, or haircut - it was riveting. She won me over, really did. A week ago when she was announced I was dumbfounded and thought JohnnyMac had seen BO's speech the night before and just decided to throw the election. It took some time, but Gov Palin's speech made me a convert and she is now a full-fledged rock star. Brilliant move politically . . . as long at it, you know, works. PLUS they'll probably get ALL of Alaska's electoral votes, which are shared with Montana.

From the convention we've learned that the GOP is:

- For Change (shocker)
- Against the liberal, mean, stinky, out-of-touch, make-up-wearing, wimpy, elite media
- For Hockey-Moms (a term I'd never heard and still don't know what it means, but I'm assuming it's something about mothers who fight with sticks and gloves while ice skating)
- Against people who give great speeches in front of monstrous foam pillars in massive stadiums
- Not capable of pulling off any recognizable dance moves
- Totally supportive of Change
- In favor of moving "Washington" to an entirely different location, such as Wassila, Alaska
- Planning to fight corruption by sending offenders to France

So now it is on! This hopefully means that Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper will continue their broadcast in matching suits for the next 60 days, straight. I'm thinking that it would be marvelous if the 4 candidates went together on a moose-hunting trip in Alaska. That would be some PRICELESS reality TV. You can rest assured that the moose would be a little more frightened of the Republican ticket. I've just learned that the caribou can't vote in the national election, however, they do play a big roll in local politics I'm told. In some Alaskan counties you're required to wear antlers in the city council meetings.

We'll all be watching and listening, and a few of us, the moose to be specific, may even be dancing.

Phelps wins another gold, some serious columns, and a "general melee" (a good name for a rock band)

In another visit to the mail bag I get to talk about the DNC, Michael Phelps and my personal stand on cancer (hint . . . I'm against it)

Dear HTF:
I’ve been paying rapt attention to the DNC (a.k.a. 4-day infomercial) and cannot stop myself from imagining the SNL parody of it almost the entire time. Amy Poehler does a great Hillary, and I’m sure that skinny guy could do Barack spot-on…like tonight: instead of the “surprise” entrance by B.O., Michael Phelps would come out, the entire Biden clan would swarm him and in the ensuing melee the monstrous stage would collapse into a blue metallic heap….now that would be interesting!

Does this make me evil, or a true American (as my personal hero Sean Hannity would say)?

CM

Thanks for the question, CM. First, let me handle the True American thing. If you're pro-Phelps, you're perfectly patriotic. To be against him is like being pro-cancer or against happiness. So as long as the little melee you envision ends with him restoring order amongst the podium pile and then winning another gold medal you're quite anti-communist. Your infomercial reference is money. I've quoted you a few times without attribution since I saw your email. Now I have yet to see a good B.O. impersonation, but we're in desperate need of one. Anybody who has columns constructed in the middle of a massive football stadium so they can be used as scenery while he talks earnestly about how government will solve all of our problems (including, I'm happy to report, male-pattern baldness) probably takes himself a little too seriously. So I'm looking forward to your SNL parody.

PS - If you're bothered at all that I poke fun at you dems, this week is RNC week, so I'll get to talk about JohnnyMac selecting his moose-burger-eating granddaughter as a running mate and other important campaign developments. However, the hurricane may keep me from blogging (just as it will keep the GOP from spouting too much political rhetoric for a few days), cuz I'm a weather-geek, so what's going on in the gulf is like a tragic super-bowl.

Please send in your questions or comments to henrythefrog@gmail.com. Remember that you're guaranteed to either like or not like the response. Thanks!

Hillary Makes Nice and is For Change

Ah, can't get enough of the Democratic National Convention. I'm in the comfort of my living room instead of crammed into a stadium in Denver that is just sick with screaming Democrats. The talking heads are readying all of us for Hillary's love speech tonight. They're bouncing around the room each asking key people what Hillary is about to say. From what I can tell the one thing all of the interviewees have in common is that they have absolutely no idea, but are for the following specific policies:

1. Change
2. Democrats roaming the White House
3. Change
4. Party unity
5. Change we can believe in

Bill Clinton just walked in the "hall." According to the commentators, the crowd is "electric" and the attendee's "exploded" when he walked in. I wish they'd pick different words. He's hugging people . . . including one hug with a young lady I've never seen that seemed uncomfortably long. Bill being Bill.
These video tributes are pretty good, I'm suddenly ready to vote for Hillary . . . Is that really Chelsea?! She just introduced mommy and looks pretty comfortable up there - looks a lot like the Senator. Uh-oh, Hillary is wearing an ORANGE pant-suit. Goodness . . . Lots of Hillary signs, but they don't say "for president" anymore. In all seriousness, for the second time in my life I'm looking at her feeling quite sorry for her. People are tearing up - including Bill. And now the speech: "we're on the same team, we must unite, Republicans evil, "sisterhood of the traveling pant-suits", together we made history, make sure that Barak wins . . . etc." Bill is smiling widely.

Well, it was a good speech, but a little anti-climatic. The way the talking heads set it up there was every chance that she could make any of the following declarations:

1. Let's have a quick raise of hands to see who thinks this should be my convention!
2. Since you guys didn't nominate me, I'm running as a Republican next time.
3. This is way cooler than the Republican's podium - nee-ner, nee-ner, nee-ner

But no such luck. I suspect this won't be the last-ever Hillary convention speech, and she'll probably be for change in the next one too.

Groundhog Day, the DNC and Impressive Podiums

Every four years an event happens that captures the attention and imagination of the world. It kicks off with a bang and ends with a party. In between we watch the participants and ask ourselves how many hours of focused work it took for them to become what they've become. We root for heroes and sneer at villains. It lasts far too many hours for people to watch all of it, but that doesn't stop the networks from showing non-stop coverage and commentary where we hear the same things over and over again. There are winners and there are losers, but we sit on our couches with certainty that we couldn't dare to be like the people on the screen. When it's all over we only remember a name or two, but we know that we'll get to tune in again in four short years. I'm not talking about the little shindig that is wrapping up in Beijing, I'm talking about the Democratic National Convention.

I can't get enough of presidential politics and I thank you dear Democrats for providing the most entertaining primary in recent memory. Seriously, rewind a year or so. Hillary wasn't just the inevitable nominee, but there were debates about whether or not anyone would even challenge her other than the Kucinich powerhouse or a bearded Al Gore. She must wake up every morning in shock that someone else is the nominee - like Political Groundhog Day. I'm pretty sure that Obama's qualifications to be president are limited to the fact that he has in his life actually run for president. Hilary and her still rabid supporters have to continuously ask how the political New York Yankees lost to the equivalent of the Scranton YMCA co-ed softball team. She'll give a great speech through gritted teeth I'm sure, but she may well need dentures after it's over. It would be fun to watch a little more Clinton/Obama friction in primetime, but the party mukitymucks will make sure that doesn't happen.

Sen. Obama gives stunning speeches, so the best he can do is live up to his billing. But the party in Denver will rage and there will be confetti, balloons and a podium to rival all other podiums. The silly inevitability of the conventions is what always gets me. We knew the "result" of the convention months ago. It's like me getting handed a speeding ticket from the policeman and then announcing to him that I was in fact going 78 in a 65. Still, one should never underestimate the desire of geeky political-types to show up in their sport coats and pant suits and party.

Don't think for a second that I won't poke similar fun at the Republicans who bucked conventional wisdom and nominated a white, male, Washington insider, who if he worked at your company would've retired a decade ago.

I'm still holding out hope that Michael Phelps somehow shows up and steals one of these nominations.

This Just In - Toddler Gymnasts, VP Choices, and Beer Bucks

I'm fighting the urge to blog about all the important current events going on in the world today, such as:

- Apparently my pre-kindergarten daughters can compete on the Chinese gymnastic team
- Barak "I'm only slightly less famous than Michael Phelps" Obama announced that he was going to declare his VP choice via text message. So maybe a year from now we can declare war on Iran by leaving a post on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Facebook page.
- It was announced today that Anheuser-Busch CEO, August Busch IV (a good name for a rock band) will be paid $10 million after the company is acquired by InBev. In a shocking announcement he revealed that the acquisition was a "good idea."
- Women's beach volleyball is being shown in primetime and somehow is attracting (pun intended) an attentive male audience.
- It is rumored that both the Republican and the Democratic nominees will be announcing their VP choices very soon, and they will both be choosing Michael Phelps. A McCain spokesperson was quoted as saying, "Mike is on a roll, and we'd like to 'swim in that relay' if you know what I mean."

I'll go ahead and stop fighting that urge now. Any questions?