Thursday, December 02, 2010

Emergency Rooms, 3rd-World-Dictators, and the Moon Fest

As I write this I’m sitting in the semi-pleasant waiting room outside the “Surgical Center” of our local hospital.  A “loved-one” is back behind all these walls getting some necessary repairs and perhaps an hospitaloil-change thrown in.  I don’t like hospitals, few people do.  And if you do I’d submit that you should sell your services as a proxy for those of us who hate the place.  So like, the next time I have to go the ER or something, you could go FOR me.  I might even consider paying you to visit the people that I should be visiting.  I love those people, but I dislike hospitals THAT much, and I’m pretty sure they’ll eventually forgive me – referring to the people, not the hospitals.

A couple weeks ago I did actually have to check myself into the ER.  (see the Brian Regan rant about hospitals, seriously, you must watch it)  This was an odd experience.  I walked in, I’d played hoops a few hours earlier and was pretty capable of, you know, walking, but they threw me in a wheel chair and then got me on a bed where I was told to “lay flat” repeatedly.  I was wheeled around everywhere I went.  It was like I was a lazy 3rd world dictator.  Everyone was pretty nice though.  Except I think they need to have a better way of prioritizing people as they walk in.  Like there should be a nurse at the door, one of the more experienced ones, who can glance at you, ask a couple questions and then tell you if you’re in the “Extreme-Emergency”, “Plain-old-emergency” or the “Not really much of an emergency” lines.  Just seems more efficient, and safer.  Just so you know, I’m totally fine – zero problems, except that the tape they used to adhere the IV to my arm left behind “awesome residue” (good name for a rock band) that refuses to come off even with the use of power tools and spatulas (at the same time!).

These places have a weird smell that I’m convinced is pretty universal.  I’ve smelled it in lots of hospitals in several states and even other countries.  But I think that’s to actually make them not-so-comfortable.  If you run a hospital, you probably don’t want people, you know, trying to move in or retire there on purpose.  So you make the place smell bad AND you make people wear these gowns that make you feel pretty much totally naked all the time.  You have look down constantly to make sure that your nether-regions are actually a little covered.  And the back of you, where the “flap” is, is basically the 24-hours-a-day-moon-fest.  Oh yeah, and there are needles too.

Anyway, despite all this, I’m thankful that we have hospitals, and this one even has wi-fi in the lobby, which is a plus.  But that doesn’t mean I have to ever enjoy dropping by…


Kellie Miller said...

Glad said "loved one" is recovering. I tried calling, but loved one was heading to sleep. All our in our thoughts and prayers. Can't wait to see you guys. Cousins are especially excited!

Up to a Polar Bear plunge?!?

agm said...

Ugh, I hate hospitals. Glad things are okay. I SO did not want to have to spend the night at the hospital earlier this year. First thing I said to the nurse when I came out of anesthesia was, "Did I do ok? Can I go home?" She started laughing.

It's funny - usually my blood pressure is so low it's like I'm comatose (Like I'm Comatose - title of my next album), but when I go to the doctor/hospital anymore, I get kinda panicky & it totally spikes.

P.S. That rant was great.

P.P.S. The nurse called my IV "special juice." You want some more special juice? Yes, very much so. Good stuff there.

jamie said...

whoa! i didn't know you had to go the hospital, too! it's crazy town over there. and, i had a horrific couple of months tending my mom in the hospital and you would think that i would have the same hospital-phobia, but i really don't. i don't think they smell THAT bad and i LOVE the food (probably because the only time i've had is after 8 hours of excruciating natural childbirth, but you know, whatever.)

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