Monday, May 04, 2009

A New Record, The Golden Toes, and A Crowning Moment for A Brick

Last week was a big one here at HTF.  We actually surpassed our highest single-day visitor total EVER with huge thanks to the kind, highly-insightful, folks (by which I mostly mean the marvelous Emily Jensen) at Mormontimes who again linked to one of my posts.  So thanks to you all for reading along as always!  Other blogs may have more readers, but you all are clearly smarter and better-looking than the rest (not to mention that your attention to dental hygiene is off-the charts!)

Tonight I took a gander (not goose-related at all) at the HTF mailbag and found this deeply-troubling question sent in by an alert reader who has a problem that we’ve all had or will have at some point:

Dear HTF,

I have an extremely important problem.  You might remember that, after way too many embarrassing instances of finding my empty Diet Mt. Dew bottles, boxes of Chick-Fil-A, and cupcake containers strewn all over my street, I now have a super-awesome brick to put on my recycling bin so that my recyclables don’t blow away and totally clue in my neighbors that the reason why I have been too busy to mow the lawn is because I’m spending all my time gobbling up sweet processed food (yum it up!).

Well, my super-awesome brick is so incredibly, well, super-awesome, that he deserves a real name instead of just “my super-awesome brick.”  The best name I came up with is “Mr. Justin Timberbrick,” but he just doesn’t seem like a “Justin Timberbrick” to me.  For one, he has no mad dance $killz.  Number two, don’t even think of trying to get him to sing in a falsetto.  It’s really painful to watch.  Most importantly, I can’t find a fedora small enough to fit him.  So incredibly sad.DSCF1009

HTF, you’re always great at coming up with catchy nicknames.  If you are looking for inspiration, here  is a picture of him hard at work on the job.  Look at that dedication!  That strength!  That . . .  strange block of dirt on his head!

Now . . .   name that brick!!

Sending great respect to the Froginator,


Thanks for the challenge, AGM, we’ll see if I’m up to it.  First, you clearly haven’t done a search on the interweb for “JT the Brick” – your shot at a name is higher quality than you give yourself credit for.  But I’ve done some painstaking research and serious brainstorming to come up with some possibilities for the birth certificate of your hard-headed friend.  By “research” I mostly mean that I ate some strawberry applesauce, which totally rocks (pun blatantly intended) by the way.  The brainstorming consisted of a thorough process involving sunflower seeds, an episode of 30 Rock, and a new pair of black socks with the gold toes.  So after all that, here are a few options for you:

  • Hard Rock Toupee
  • Mortar Mouth (in case he gets sassy)
  • Big Red
  • Kansas (due to his “figure”)
  • Ed
  • Chip (off the old block)
  • Sir Rocks-A-Lot
  • Bar-Knee-Rubble (his Indian name)

I hope that helps a bit.  That’s a fine looking brick you have there.  As always, thanks mucho for the question, AGM.  May you and your new friend (who needs a bath indecently) live happily ever after.

If YOU have a question/comment/insult for me please send it in to  You’re guaranteed to get a response either here on the blog or via the auto-reply that I have set up when I get e-mails.


agm said...

Thanks HTF, those were some great names!! I had no idea that Gold Toe socks were so inspiring--I feel like I have wasted years of inspiration by staring into space when I should have been staring instead at my feet clad in Gold Toe socks. Who knew?!

I will reveal my final decision when Mr. Brick will be formally tattooed with his new moniker soon!!!

JJ said...

I don't know how you do it. You have a great talent, you know. Inidentally, you really should try turning this talent into a career. You'd be a success.

Love that you watched a 30 Rock episode for inspiration and my husband would agree with the Gold Toes - can't leave home without them.

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