Thursday, January 14, 2010

And People Vacation Here . . . On Purpose?!

I got this note a couple days ago in the HTF mailbox from the always inquisitive CM:

Dear HTF:

Do you think falling iguanas are a sign of the Apocalypse?

I think if the Apocalypse was happening, it would probably begin in Florida, don’t you?


First, thanks for the question.  The short answer is, “YES.” And the medium answer is “WITHOUT A DOUBT.”  How do I know that?  Because I happen to actually be sitting in a hotel room in Ft Lauderdale of all places.  And after being here for a few days I can confirm that whatever apocalyptic chicanery (good name for a rock band) you’re referring to isn’t just going to start here, but I’m pretty sure it started some time ago.  When I got off the plane the wind chill was below freezing.  How weird is weather like that in Miami?  It’s roughly the same weirdness level as an NFL Offensive Lineman winning the Ice Dancing competition in the forthcoming Olympics.

Next, there MUST be something crazy going on because humans don’t drive the way Floridians do.  It’s like EVERYONE hasn’t eaten in 3 weeks and they’re on their way to the Chuck ‘O Rama – ain’t nothin’ getting in their way or even slowing them down.  Also the cars here are wired differently because whenever people push the brake their horn goes off.  After a couple days I don’t even notice horns or people driving on the sidewalk anymore.

Also, I’m pretty sure there’s something biblical that says “And it shall come to pass that the Lions will hang out with the lambs AND the 15-foot-long alligators will roam freely as if they were insurance salesmen.”  Tonight we had dinner sitting outside near a canal.  This wouldn’t be a dangerous thing in most any other part of the universe, but while we were eating I heard a huge splash.  I’ll admit we didn’t see what caused it it, but unless someone dropped a Mid-Size-Volkswagon in the water we were dining near an alligator – guess he was into Chinese food.  Lets be clear, this doesn’t happen in the real world.

The last thing – if you watch the local news here, you’ll never go outside . . . ever . . . because you become convinced that something terrible will happen to you.

So I could go on, but your super-accurate guess about where the end of things will start seems spot on!  Congrats on your wisdom and for living not in Florida.

Here’s a photo from yesterday of me at Ft Lauderdale beach – note the layered clothing and the shifty eyes looking for bald-man-eating alligators and/or self-important people driving their Escalades on the beach in a huge hurry:


PS – I do love me the Palm Trees


Anonymous said...

When I lived in Florida there were alligators every which-a-way. Don't be scared of them, just stay far enough away and they won't bite you.

Anonymous said...

A beach to yourself-SCORE!

Emmy said...

Lol! Yeah you made me not want to visit Florida anytime soon. Though I did honeymoon there and have better memories of it than that.

Cindy said...

You are so funny!

agm said...

How about $hifty Eyez Gator for your new rapper name/Florida alias?

($hifty Eyez G for short, of course.)

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