Black Funk in the Gulf and an Awkward Oval Office Chat

It’s been a while since you got an update on the always semi-popular, yet mostly-inaccurate, HTF spin on some of the bigger current events of recent days.  Here are of couple that you may have noticed:

• Clearly the biggest story is the fossil fuel that for millions of years was safely underground under a few miles of ocean in the gulf until we decided to suck it out of there and put it in barrels so we can drive and fly and stuff.  After the oil rig exploded, at which point we obviously blamed the Canadians and/or terrorists from Florida, the black funk (perfect name for a 70s soul band which I probably wouldn’t be invited to join for several immaterial reasons) began spewing at rates ranging from 3 drops a day to 3 bazillion Big Gulps per second into the ocean depending on who was estimating.  The company responsible, BP (which stands for BIG freaking PROBLEMS) quickly took charge of the situation by issuing wordy press releases from London that, somehow failed to plug the hole in spite of their length and earnestness.  So then they had the CEO do commercials in America where his words and slow stride set to instrumental music also somehow failed to stop the leak.  But all these valiant efforts have succeeded in making the BP stock price roughly equivalent to the price of a bean burrito at the Taco Bell.  (I’m suddenly hungry…)  Anyway, the update is that the clean-up is well underway in spite of the mess growing exponentially by the second.  This is roughly equivalent to me trying to floss the kid’s teeth WHILE they are continuously shoving sugary pieces of Hubba Bubba in their mouths and chewing away…
• The lead US General in Afghanistan, whose last name is McChrystal and first name is General, was pretty much fired last week.  It seems he did an interview with Rolling Stone, which makes, you know, perfect sense.  It’s not like the guy is busy fighting a war or something.  Definitely a winning strategy for all great war heroes on the eve of a major offensive is to get an interview published next to multi-page articles on Lady Gaga’s tattoos and/or underwear preferences.  And in the interview you should totally make offensive remarks about most everyone you work for (although the digs on the French people seemed fairly accurate).  Upon reading the article (the McChrystal one, not the Lady Gaga one…I think…) the President got our good General on a plane back to DC and had what must have been a very warm and fuzzy meeting in the White House, after which we suddenly have a new General in Afghanistan.  Come on, don’t you think reality TV in the White House would be WAY more interesting that at Kate Gosslin’s house?!

That’s all I have time for now, but the lessons here are mccrystal-clear: if you’re going to chew Hubba Bubba while issuing verbose press releases about oil spewage and/or Lady Gaga’s tattoos be sure you get interviewed by a deeply respected, hard-hitting, news magazine like Rolling Stone.