New and painful forms of exercise for the inflexible

Friday, March 04, 2011 | | |

Yoga is something other people do.  It’s usually those ladies who can pick up an apple with their toes and put the thing in their mouths, while standing on the other leg and listening to music that would not only put most humans to sleep, but would render small animals quite dead – from relaxing too much.  Well, this is what I thought about the yoga crowd.

And then the Mrs. HTF miraculously got me to go get my Yoga on with her a the Y.

There were only like 7 people in the room and the instructor, Lydia, (I remember this name mostly because I cursed it in my mind a few times) immediately sensed that I was a newbie.  I guess I have that look of “guy who thought yoga was a creamy breakfast food.”  She asked me about injuries and since I didn’t even have a mat, gave me her backup.  But I couldn’t help by notice the tone of her voice as she talked to me – it was like I was asleep and she was trying to influence my dreams without waking me up.  At one point I almost poured water on my head to make sure I was actually awake.  She talked like that for the entire hour – I can only assume she has no children.

The class started off fine, but I was quickly, and painfully reminded of how inflexible I really am.  Balance was special too.  Standing on one leg while holding & extending the other in front of me totally blew my mind.  I only crashed into my yoga neighbors like 6 or 7 times.  I also had to get used to the total silence in the room.  Lydia is the only one allowed to talk I guess, and I had a sense that if Downward-Dog-Yoga-PoseI said a single word or made a noise that the group would collapse on me and pummel me with their mats – quietly.  During one pose, bizarrely named, “Downward Dog” I glanced around thinking I was doing it “right.”  At this point Lydia (can you tell I remember this lady’s name?!) walked softly towards me, grabbed my hips and lifted them in the air.  This was both confusing and painful at the same time.  At the end of class was my favorite pose – which I’m sure has an unpronounceable name – where we just laid on the mat and closed our eyes.  I totally nailed that particular pose – there was no need for instructor intervention.

A few days later a buddy took me to a Pilates class – so my experience with new and painful exercise techniques grew even more.  I’ll spare you the details, but lets just say that when that class was over I thanked the instructor and she said, “Don’t worry, Pilates is much harder for men than women.”  After which, she smoothed out her hair with her left foot and did some texting with her right foot while doing the splits and lifting a smallish Honda over her head.

So if I left you with an impression that I didn’t like this stuff, that was wrong.  I actually did dig it, and you know that by the fact that:

I went to a Yoga class by myself a few nights later.

(true story – I caught a girl copying one of my poses in the most recent class.  At which point I laughed, … silently)

5 comments:

  1. jinhuikim says:

    I'm guessing you never went to the yoga classes at the Sprint gym. They were taught by very cute 20 year olds females and attended by a few very fit 30 year old females and single and very much seeking 30 year old males. It always made me laugh when they would do Utthina Hasta (balancing on one foot while extending your other leg).

  2. Yogi the bear says:

    Get a yoga for sleep podcast or video... By the time you get to that last resting pose, all is good in the world & you'll find yourself falling asleep right there on the mat.

    I also heard that singing lady gaga to yourself has the same effect as yoga (or wards off nightmares... I can't remember which)...

  3. JJ says:

    This post was very funny but I have to admit...I HATE yoga. Tried it (several times) and didn't like it. I guess I prefer my trainers to yell at me.

  4. rlsecor says:

    Yoga is surprisingly amazing and hard and sweaty! Kudos to you for going back!

  5. Gr8Life says:

    You should have made a video of yourself doing yoga & the Pilates that would have been very amusing for all of your readers to see. Imagining it is also very amusing.
    I am really bad at that balancing stuff I think the Wii fit said my Wii fit age is 75 (I'm 36) so that was not at all flattering.
    Very funny Post!

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