Friday, January 16, 2009

Mystery Meat From Supposed Friends

Here’s an e-mail I received from an alert reader dealing with a problem we’ve all dealt with or (gasp) contributed to:

Dear HTF,

I am rather tired of receiving guilt mail.  I get email after email stating that if I don't forward that email and its contents to at least 10 people then I will die, suffer 7 years of bad luck, have a terrible love life, lose my life savings, or get a variety of horrible diseases.  What set this off is that today I got an email from a member of my church (I'm not sure how I got on that list unless simply going to the same church as this person put me on it) that stated if I didn't forward the email (regarding heaven and hell) to at least 7 people, than I was, in summary, a non-Christian.  What?!  I'm pretty sure that my salvation is not determined by my talent at spamming all my close, and not so close, friends and family.  What say you, oh wise one?

Signed, Guilt-Clogged-Inbox

It may surprise you to learn that mad spamming skilz are exactly the path to heaven, my friend.

Ok, maybe that’s not factually correct . . . if fact, I’m pretty sure the opposite of that is true.

Actually, “spam” in ancient Aramaic (the reformed dialect) means, “whoever sent this to me deserves a plague upon their house or at least really bad cell phone reception forever.”  These exploding e-mail time bombs, which could in one fell swoop give you a third arm AND cause death/destruction in Nigeria do not come from so-called “friends.” They come from people who are either stupid or gullible (or both) and the sad part is they’re assuming you’re either stupid or gullible (or both).  Clearly, judging by the blogs that you read, you’re neither.  In fact, you should consider the fact that you’d ask that question a “serious sign of sanity” (that’s a pretty darn good rock band name with some awesome alliteration folded in there as well.)

So the next time you encounter one of these “guilt lobbers” be sure to point out to them that they are the reason junk filters exist.  Also, that since deleting their e-mail you’ve saved 20 people’s lives, had crazy luck for 14 years straight, have a love life that should be remade as a chick-flick, have become so wealthy that you bailed-out the US government, and you figured out how to eradicate diseases.  When they ask which diseases, you just say – all of them and walk away.

And obviously you should forward this blog post back to them within 2 minutes of reading it – or else, . . . well, . . . nothing. 

Thanks for the question, my friend.  May your inbox remain relatively guilt-free, like mini-oreos!

Remember to send your questions/comments into  They will be responded to, just hopefully not with the delete button.


rlsecor said...

I too am a victim of guilt mail. I almost never even open them. Every now and then one will catch my eye and I am sucked in realizing only too late what I am doing.

It messes with your head when they say forward this to 10 people or else... and then they show a picture of Christ. Screwy!!! It is like spiritual/ emotional blackmail! Who wants to click delete on a picture of Christ!

I could really use a 3rd arm though - maybe I can bear to read just one, will you forward that one to me?

agm said...

What about "serious sign of Spam-ity"???! ahhahahhaha I'm way too easily amused.

ThreeofSeven said...

I have recently begun deleting ALL emails that even hint at a requirement to forward them. I do this for spite, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Truth is, some of these emails I probably would forward - if they didn't demand that I do so.

So now, my tongue has started to turn black, my life savings ($21.48) has inexplicably disappeared, all of the ice cream in my freezer has melted and my favorite football team went 2-14 this season. But thats all coincidence, right?

Thank you so much, HTF, for the excellent use of the word alliteration in your recent post. We have all been strengthened/uplifted for reading this less common word.

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