Here’s an e-mail I received from an alert reader dealing with a problem we’ve all dealt with or (gasp) contributed to:
I am rather tired of receiving guilt mail. I get email after email stating that if I don't forward that email and its contents to at least 10 people then I will die, suffer 7 years of bad luck, have a terrible love life, lose my life savings, or get a variety of horrible diseases. What set this off is that today I got an email from a member of my church (I'm not sure how I got on that list unless simply going to the same church as this person put me on it) that stated if I didn't forward the email (regarding heaven and hell) to at least 7 people, than I was, in summary, a non-Christian. What?! I'm pretty sure that my salvation is not determined by my talent at spamming all my close, and not so close, friends and family. What say you, oh wise one?
It may surprise you to learn that mad spamming skilz are exactly the path to heaven, my friend.
Ok, maybe that’s not factually correct . . . if fact, I’m pretty sure the opposite of that is true.
Actually, “spam” in ancient Aramaic (the reformed dialect) means, “whoever sent this to me deserves a plague upon their house or at least really bad cell phone reception forever.” These exploding e-mail time bombs, which could in one fell swoop give you a third arm AND cause death/destruction in Nigeria do not come from so-called “friends.” They come from people who are either stupid or gullible (or both) and the sad part is they’re assuming you’re either stupid or gullible (or both). Clearly, judging by the blogs that you read, you’re neither. In fact, you should consider the fact that you’d ask that question a “serious sign of sanity” (that’s a pretty darn good rock band name with some awesome alliteration folded in there as well.)
So the next time you encounter one of these “guilt lobbers” be sure to point out to them that they are the reason junk filters exist. Also, that since deleting their e-mail you’ve saved 20 people’s lives, had crazy luck for 14 years straight, have a love life that should be remade as a chick-flick, have become so wealthy that you bailed-out the US government, and you figured out how to eradicate diseases. When they ask which diseases, you just say – all of them and walk away.
And obviously you should forward this blog post back to them within 2 minutes of reading it – or else, . . . well, . . . nothing.
Thanks for the question, my friend. May your inbox remain relatively guilt-free, like mini-oreos!
Remember to send your questions/comments into firstname.lastname@example.org. They will be responded to, just hopefully not with the delete button.