A peek into the mailbag yesterday revealed a litany of questions from an alert reader. So I’ll
do my best to answer them here, sit back and read along . . . this one is a bit of a wild ride:
Q. As you know, March Madness is quickly approaching. Any chance that I may beat the elementary school set in the Pope Family & Friends Tournament? Is it possible that I may beat the Specks? All of them? What about just Jspeck? I can beat him, right? Or do you think I’m going to just completely fall apart during the semi-finals again?
A. (first let me mention that all HTF readers are invited to participate in the tournament, drop me a note if you want in) The short answer to your question is that the only way you have a shot of beating everyone, Specks and 3rd graders included, is if you are actually enrolled in an elementary school and have never seen an entire basketball game in your life. Seems to be the formula.
Q. Will I ever become a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake?
A. While this is something we ALL aspire to, we should probably reset expectations a bit. The lottery would be having your Facebook friend request accepted by one of the backup dancers and/or a close relative of one.
Q. Will Northwest Airlines ever respond to the complaint letter that I sent them about the fact that they rerouted me to Detroit for no apparent reason other than they must have thought it was funny because I had no coat?
A. I actually made a few phone calls on this one and found out that you’re only partially correct. Yes, they sent you there because you had no coat, but the other reason was that it’s part of the Stimulus Package (and awesome rock band name). REALLY? Yes, really. The new super-secret plan is to reroute planes to the cities hardest hit by the economic collapse in hopes that the passengers will spend money on necessities like bad airport food, books that they’ll start but never finish, luggage carts that charge you like $10 and then give you a quarter back upon return, and yes . . . coats.
Q. Will Katy Perry and Travis McCoy ever get back together? How can you tell her apart from Zooey Deschanel? Does Zooey scare you as much as Katy does? Do you think they could be the same person? What do you think would happen if Travis dated Zooey instead? Would Katy get mad? Do you think she would freak out and chase down Travis like she does to that guy in that Hot ‘N Cold video? Wouldn’t that be cool? Don’t you just want to write “Zoey” instead of “Zooey” and “Katie” instead of “Katy”? And don’t you just want to pronounce their names “Zooooo-ey” and “Catty”? Do you think you could call her “Catty” with a straight face? Actually, “Katy” also is close to “Kitty.” I hope I never meet her. I don’t want to accidentally call her “Kitty” or “Catty.” Hey, will the price of kitty litter ever decline?
A. I was going to use my Phone-A-Friend on this one, but they didn’t answer, so I’ll totally get back to you after we pay off the National Debt.
Q. If you had to come up with a MS Alias, what would it be?
A. Yoda (thought long and hard about this I did)
Q. What is the deal with all of the peanut butter recalls?
A. Haven’t you heard? Jelly threw down a massive misinformation campaign against PB because he ignored a perfectly reasonable Request for Flair on Facebook.
Q. Can I give a shout out to the person who thought up putting peanut butter together with chocolate?
A. Yep. You’re welcome.
Q. Will there still be other opportunities to make fun of Blago?
A. Oh yeah there will be. That hair can’t stay away from the cameras, and that mouth won’t stop saying bizarre things until you weld it shut.
Q. Speaking of fun hair, should I set up a Facebook fan page for Richard Engel’s?
A. Only if you’re going to add one for mine as well.
Q. Why does Chick Fil A taste so good?
A. Those particular chickens are exclusively fed peanut butter and bacon for their entire (albiet short) lives.
Q When will I spot another sea turtle?
A. Right Now
Q. Which has the best shot at the Oscar for best short film (live action): Auf Der Strecke, Manon on the Asphalt, or Spielzeugland?
A. While those were all great short films (the shorter the better) in which I understood every word, I’m going with this lady’s performance instead.
Future Pope Family & Friends Tournament Champion/Backup Dancer for Justin Timberlake (who loves Richard Engel’s hair & Chick Fil A, but not necessarily in that order. Waffle fries always trump glossy hair. Always.)
Whew, hopefully this particular reader
is out of questions for a few minutes enjoyed the responses. Remember to send your questions/comments into email@example.com.