Perfect children, yelling parents, and accidents that may or may not happen

I remember as kid thinking that my parents were all powerful (if not all-knowing). They told me to do something, and I think I pretty much did it. (My mom probably will laugh when she reads that last line as it may not be very, you know, true.) When we started having the kiddos I just sorta assumed that my superior size and intelligence would have the little people doing whatever I asked. As those of you with kids (who are now rolling your eyes at my naivety) know, it's easier to tell clouds where to go than to get perfect obedience from kids. I know that now . . . or maybe it's just my kids. Occasionally the Mrs HTF and I will find ourselves actually yelling. We're not yellers. And experience has taught us that yelling is only effective if the kids are a few hundred yards away from your mouth. But for some reason we still do it as we get increasingly frustrated at the lump under the bed spread who needs to leave for school in the next 30 seconds.
Oh I know that we should just have clear, consistent consequences (the Utopian Cs!), which will let the kids make the decisions without us getting so riled up. Does that work perfectly in your house? We have a 9-year-old who seems to love to push our buttons. Lately when he does something wrong, he always does it "accidentally." (i.e. "Dad, I accidentally stole my brother's Pokemon cards and tore them up into ant-sized pieces.") Not sure why he thinks this works, but he keeps using it. There's some odd idea in there that if we "accidentally" do something there won't be consequences. Ironically I hear adults use the similar "oops-logic" sometimes. (insert the name of your favorite scandalized celebrity/politician/sports-star here)
This parenting thing . . . harder than it looks when you're a kid.
Sorry Mom & Dad, for all the stuff I did wrong . . . it was all an accident for sure!

The Big Blog Update and Insight from Beijing

I've had this ongoing internal debate floating around the melon about what I want to make of this blog thing. I've been posting in spurts for almost 3 years now. There were a few podcasts, which got some ok reviews. I track readership off and on, but I'm not sure that's really the goal. Here's the thing, and this is a recent personal realization, I have this odd secret desire to be some kind of a syndicated columnist. With the blog thing, anybody can do that, so, in spite of lack of writing talent or much interesting to say, I can fake like I'm a Dave Barry or Tom Friedman. I was talking to my friend, BP, about this the other day and mentioned that blogging is an awful cheap and not-to-taxing hobby. I could try to be an astronaut or an olympic gymnast, but being a blogger is a bit more realistic.

I track along with quite a few blogs and podcasts. Many of the blogs I read are "penned" by gals I know, which has made me question a bit if I should really be doing this. One exchange I read on a friends blog - she asked her husband why he never wrote on the blog. His answer - "I'm not a woman." Profound words . . . that gave me some pause. I got over it.

So here's the deal. I'm gonna work to make the blog better and I'm asking for your help. Here's what I'm gonna do: write more, link more, do more. So my goal is to post at least 25 times over the next 30 days. Here's my asks of you:
1. Read along and comment occasionally, maybe even let others know about it
2. E-mail your questions or feedback to henrythefrog@gmail.com (don't expect profound answers - you should expect what you typically see in the blog: sarcasm, cheekiness, and answers that aren't remotely factually correct) I'll answer the questions on the blog. I'll keep you anonymous or just use whatever name you tell me to. This is my attempt to make the thing more interactive. They can be about stuff I often blog about like family, sports, odd observations, etc. Or they can be utterly random, like "which 80's rapper had the biggest ego and/or gold chains?"
I'll still trying to pull off the occasional podcast and that would be a good place to answer some of the questions. BTW - don't put it past me to make up some questions to make it look like more than 2 of you read my blog. :)

I'm off to watch the olympics and I'll leave you with this astounding observation from Doug Collins who was commenting on TV during the USA vs Greece basketball game this morning:
"In a 40 minute game you don't have the same number of minutes as you do in a 48 minute game."
Truer words were never spoken.

My Mad Shopping Skillz

I've never been a shopper. Just isn't something that I can tolerate well for more than 2 minutes. I'm extremely lucky that the Mrs. HTF does 102% of all the shopping and my spending is mostly limited to work lunches and iTunes. I also have this "disability" (for lack of a better word) that makes me ALWAYS screw up the shopping when I do end up buying stuff. A few of my more common shopping errors:

- Buying the wrong size or quantity of whatever
- Searching for one item in a store for several hours before asking for help, at which point I'm informed that they don't have eggs at the sporting goods store
- Listening to shopping advice from the four-year-old I brought with me
- Failure to use coupons the right way or to swipe the "loyalty card" so I get a better price
- Buying the wrong brand or flavor of whatever
- Having a well-written shopping list, but mysteriously being oblivious to several of the items listed. This always ends with me saying, "How did I miss that?!" when I get home.
- Buying what I will generically refer to as "treats" when they weren't on the list - often at the urging of the lucky (and persuasive) child I brought with me

I could go on, but I'm well aware that most of you readers are married women so you know exactly what I'm talking about. And for the guys out there, I'm pretty sure you get what I'm saying too. There's no real cure for my shopping problems - and in this case practice most definitely will never make perfect. And it could get pricey over time. I could be accused of screwing up on purpose so that I don't get asked to do it. While I could give college courses on that particular strategy, I guarantee that I don't need to TRY to screw up the shopping thing. So on behalf of most guys out there I ask for continued patience. And if you ladies are asking yourselves, "is he this clueless at work" - (to which the correct answer is "he fakes it better there") rest assured that the stupidity only sets in when there's a large, rolling, metal cart at his fingertips.

How I Get Dumber

I love being a dad. My kids regularly ask for my opinion and act like they genuinely care what I have to say. They are fine with the clothes I wear and the music I listen to. I've even been called "cool" on multiple occasions. (but I'm guessing those were followed by snickers after I left the room) However, my oldest turns 9 next week and as this graph clearly shows - I'm about to start getting a lot dumber . . . At least there's hope because it looks like I may stage a recovery in 20 years or so.


more graph humor and song chart memes

So to all you STUPID parents out there . . . just stay alive and it looks like things will get better, at least in your kid's eyes.

PS - please don't show this to my parents.

I Meant To, But I Didn't

Summer hasn't been good for my blog frequency. Here are a few things I had every intention of blogging about, but didn't actually, you know, do it:

• Cub Scout Day Camp (aka "sweaty, crazed 8-10 yr old boys taught to shoot things")
• Last week I was at Georgetown University (Washington, DC) for work stuff. I went on this awesome run all around DC at night. For some reason that made a memory for me.
• High School Musical The Musical - After seeing the movie and listening to the songs litterally a bazilion times we took the kids to the theatrical version of the show. They kinda liked it, but they seemed a bit more impressed with the popcorn and cotton candy. It was pretty well done though.
• Braeden's B-Day party (aka - what possessed me to think that 14 6 year-old-boys running around inside my house was a good idea?!)
• The Specks party with us - On their way to move across the country . . . again . . . B&J stayed with us for a day. The highlight was playing Settlers until 2AM and me losing 3 straight times, handily. I'm such a kind host! Guess that doesn't bode well for fantasy football . . .

Ok, here's the BIG NEWS a few of you might actually care about: I'm going to resurrect the podcast by recording phone "interviews" (and I use that term really loosely) with my blog readers. I already have a few volunteers. Just let me know if you want in by leaving a comment or dropping me an e-mail. I'm still working on a name, but the working title is Scott Talks to His Friends. (that one burned up all of my creativity, so HELP me with suggestions) It should be fun, so I hope you'll like it.

Blog on a Plane: The Sequel

A few of you might remember this post that I "penned" several months ago while I sat for half of my life in a plane on a runway in DC. Well, my luck with airplanes is creeping up again, much to the dismay of the 120 or so angry people sitting here with me. A quick recap:

11:15- I arrived at the airport a hour before my flight and while I was standing in line, 7 foot 7 inches of Manute Bol walked by. Really hard to miss that guy. People, myself included, were staring at him as if he were a singing purple elephant. Somehow I guess my stare was the hardest and he said hi to me, I returned the salutation. We're homies now except that I'm not sure he heard me since his ears aren't really visible when your eyes are as low to the ground as mine are.

11:28- The kind lady checking my bag tells me my 12:15 flight to Chicago is delayed an hour or more and that my connecting flight will likely take off the instant my plane lands so I have no chance of making it. Sweet. I check my bag in and wonder what the odds are that I'll see it again . . . ever.

11:40- Pizza for lunch makes everything better . . . for now.

11:55-1:10- Popped out the lap top and got a bunch of work done. I had at least 6 different phone conversations that must've bugged the guy sitting six inches from me. Sorry, dude.

1:10- We board and hear the pleasant apologies for the "mechanical delay." (wouldn't that be a good name for a rock band?!) Manute is on the plane with me! There's never been a better candidate for a seat with a bit of extra leg room. His legs are longer than my Honda.

1:55- About 20 minutes after take off the captain, in that bizarre captain voice, tells us, "folks, we're experiencing some pressurization problems, nothing to worry about, but we're turning around and flying back to Kansas City." Clearly, this is "nothing to worry about," that's why he's willing to risk the fury of 120 angry people and call "DO OVER."

2:30- It's so good to be home . . . but not really. The plane is hot and people are exactly as pleasant as you would expect. Shortly after we land the captain faces the passengers and starts playing "When The Saints Go Marching In" on his harmonica. He then starts telling bad jokes and let's us know that in the 60 combined years of experience that the crew has they've "never seen anything like this."

2:55- We are asked to de-plane deplane. (good one, huh?!) We're doing this so they can "test the pressurization." The captain explains that if we were to stay on board during the on-ground pressurization it "wouldn't be very pleasant." (by which he means our heads with either explode or implode unless we get off the plane) We quickly get our stuff and walk back into the terminal - all the while with our fingers in our ears just in case . . .

3:25- Big update, they just announced that there's now "weather" (whatever that means) in Chicago . . . so that should help our chances a lot. We're also told that we've had seats reserved on later connecting flights and should all be able to get where we want to go tonight. As a sign that we buy what we're being told, there's a line forming of people wanting to re book for tomorrow.

Becoming One With Nature and using Tweezers to fix it

"All they do is dig into your skin and bury their heads."

This is actually something that I said to one of my children today. At the time it seemed completely logical and actually reassuring. Looking back on it, well . . . let me explain.

Today the Mrs. HTF and I took the troops on a "hike." (I'm using the air quotes because most of it was on a flat paved trail not unlike the track at your high school) We decided that the kids needed some distance from day to day fun at our house, so we found a park with a trail and off we went. The paved track end abruptly at the edge of a pretty dense forest. Then it turned into a much-less well defined trail. In the back of our minds was the goal of "toughening our kids up." (still not sure what that means, but it made sense at the time) So I glanced at the map and we decided to dive into to the woods. I'll spare you the details, but let just say this was one of the stupider decisions we've made in, well, . . . today.

As we emerged from the woods at the other end of the trail we were covered in ticks of all shapes and sizes. Well, I guess they're mostly the same shape, but the sizes were different. Everyone freaked out nicely. (It probably didn't help when I told the true story of how my mom was almost killed by a disease from a tick. I gotta remember to keep my helpful stories to myself.) We tried in vain to brush them off. A couple hours later we found ourselves in the bathroom with multiple not-clothed-at-all children plucking insects off of their bodies with tweezers. I lost count. Even tonight when we laid down in bed, Traci glanced at my arm and found another little blood sucker. Ugh. What were we thinking?! I totally should've known better. Now everyone in the family is constantly looking over every inch of their bodies, and everyone else's for the opportunity to tweeze. I've tried to pluck off the same little mole on my leg now multiple times because I swore I saw it moving. So much for our fun, family wilderness adventure. Next Saturday we're playing XBox and walking around WalMart like we're supposed to.

Stuff I like lately . . . a little list

I know that a list blog is a bit of a cop out, but maybe you'll find some nugget of insight here, and well, I'm tired. At the very least it's a quick read so you can get back to doing something useful, but then again, if that were your goal, you wouldn't be reading my blog in the first place. Thanks for being a reader - both of you!

Stuff I like lately, in no particular order:

• Humility
• Viva La Vida by Coldplay
• When it doesn't rain/hail/tornado
• Braeden thanking me for coming to his little league game
• Simplification
• People finally deciding that maybe we should change our consumption behavior on oil
• Social Networking
• People who will ask me for help and let me help them
• Sweet new tile in our shower - thanks, Dad!
• When I get home and the kids smell like chlorine from playing in the pool
• BSpeck and crew are gonna stop by for a short visit
• When the girls' excuses for not going to bed is that they haven't hugged me yet
• Tellin' it like it is
  

The Invasion of Lake Texoma

Monday was my first day back at the office in like 10 days. So I got to answer the "how was your vacation" questions a dozen times or so. That's a good thing, because we had a great time. Wow, was it hard getting back into work mode (I say that like it's a thing that's already happened, but it hasn't really...) So here are a few highlights:

• First and foremost- didn't see a single snake. But we did see a bunch of very non-scary armadillos. I don't recall seeing these up close before. They looked like a cross between my parent's wiener dogs and a rolly-polly.
• On Thursday I saw that we were under a "Severe Wind Advisory." Part of the notice said that anyone on a lake should "use extreme caution." So naturally we decided boating needed to be part of our day. A few of us spent some kinda scary moments on a pontoon boat rolling around "waves" that were strong enough to ensure that we were thoroughly soaked. At one point we took on so much water that the front end of the boat (remember this is one of those pontoon boats that are kinda like a raft welded to a couple of massive 2-liters) was actually submerged so the water was above my knees while I was seated. It was like our very own "3-hour tour." In hindsight, not a huge deal, but I was glad we didn't have any kiddos with us.
• The adults were out-numbered 15 to 12, so that always makes for good entertainment. One of my kid's greatest discoveries was, well, mud. They called it "clay" and "sculpted" odd shapes with it. My first statement to them, said with some foresight, was "you're not bringing that home." Their answer, "ok, daddy."...................... The mud is now on our front porch greeting all who come to our house if you'd like to see it. But the kids were amazingly self-entertaining and just kinda became roving mobs that went in small, but feisty, groups from place to place doing important things like gathering rocks, dumping cups of water on each other, riding inflatable dolphins, and looking for bugs. I'm glad they never realized that if they'd have combined their might they may have overthrown the adults.
• In another embarrassing sign of, well, lots of things . . . I pulled a muscle in my chest just as I was getting up on the water skiis and that was the end of that. Maybe if I wait another 14 years until I ski again I'll be better at it.
• Not too long after we arrived I started hearing the phrase "talent show." To which I snickered a bit, and assumed this was just talk and would never happen. Well, it did happen and it was marvelous. Here were some of the acts on display:
• Traci and I threw water balloons at each other
• An elephant named "Nuts" relieved himself on some unsuspecting kids
• Braeden tore up an entire field dancing emphatically to High School Musical . . . by himself
• Jake (a cousin) did a river-dance thing that was mind boggling. If I moved my feet that fast, I'm certain they'd fly off or at least I'd not be walking for a while.
• The older boys poured water on the daddies
• The older boys poured water on the girls
• The older girls poured water on the boys
  
• And who can forget this, which was pretty much the cultural highlight of the trip for my boys:
• We all sang a song led by Grandma & Grandpa Morrow - a good warm, fuzzy moment.

Anyway, this post is far too long already, so I'll close with this. I usually set low expectations for things, especially when there are multiple kids involved, but to answer the question in my first paragraph, this was an awesome vacation. Everyone got along so well, and we deeply appreciated being invited along. Anything that keeps the kids smiling and me reasonably safe is a good thing by me! Thanks, Mike & Kathy!!

Day One at the Lake

Yesterday was spent about 8 hours headed straight south. I thought we'd hit Guatemala at some point, but we ended up in Texas instead. We're spending this week as lucky guests of the Morrow Family Reunion at Lake Texoma. We have an amazing "cabin." I guess it's the "Commander's Cabin" for whenever he shows up here. It has a big screen TV that probably won't get turned on while we're here. The kids are in heaven with lots of cousins, lake water, and well, dirt.

Entertaining kids is pretty easy in a place like this - they pretty much do it themselves. I told the group of boys that to build a fire we'd need to have a circle of large rocks, so they spent an hour just looking for the right rocks to make our fire ring. Before I woke up today, Braeden was out there in his Superman PJs looking for the right rocks to finish the thing up. We put in some strong swim time this morning and dealt with some pretty stiff wind. At one point an inflated dolphin was blown out far into the lake where we had to send a motor boat to pick it up. ("The Inflated Dolphins" would be a good name for a rock band.) Uncle Mike was kind enough to rent a boat, so the boys and I got to drive around the lake. On my third attempt to get up on the water skiis something popped in my chest muscle, and that was the end of that. It even hurts to wave with my left arm. What a wuss I am.

Traci has already read like 300 pages of the "The Host" - which apparently is a pretty popular Stephanie Meyer book. And the kids are now inside eating junk food, playing scrabble, holding burping contests and practicing snapping. For some odd reason, Allison is walking around saying "20 bucks" to everyone - I have no explanation for that, but she thinks it's hilarious. So life is good. The only concern . . . some folks saw a water moccasin this morning where we go swimming. So I may be stuck in this cabin for a while . . .