The State of the Union and some stuff they can all agree on

I used to look forward to the State of The Union speech.  In a real way it was like watching an episode of The West Wing except in one where Martin Sheen gets interrupted by SUPER-ANNOYING cheering from people who supposedly like him every time he strings together 7 words in a row.  Tonight I caught some big chunks of this year’s speech – and I’m suddenly pretty worried about my own attention span.  The speech lasted 70 minutes officially, but it’s entirely possible that it’s still going on regardless of when you’re reading this. 

Barry had about 4 complete sentences flowing from the teleprompter, but each moment he moved his mouth he was interrupted by snarkily-cheering Democrats, some of whom were holding sings up that simply said, “Nee-nor-nee-nor-nee-nor.”  (I guess being in the majority feels good)  And if that wasn’t enough, the folks on the other side would vocally sneer (harder to do than it sounds) at the President or at least try to appear so stoic that they may or may not have been mannequins.  At times there was even some bizarre retaliatory cheering where they would take turns yelling “We have spirit yes we do!  We have spirit how about you!.”  At one point Nancy Pelosi actually threw her ubiquitous pom poms at some not-so-limber Republican senators who looked to be easily over 100 years old.  But sometimes, both sides cheered at exactly the same time as if they actually agreed on something the President said OR because it had been 20 whole seconds since the speech was interrupted.  Some of my favorite “unanimous cheering” lines were:

“We need to support doing things that will help people to find more money to donate to political campaigns.”

“I love dogs.”

“Your government totally has your best interests at heart – all the time – so just keep sending in those taxes and we’ll do some good stuff.  And, even if you don’t send enough, don’t worry, we’ll go ahead and spend what you didn’t send in anyway.”

Isn’t it great that our impartial CongressPeople can all get along sometimes when they’re not accusing each other of devil-worship and being against children?  Speaking of impartiality, after the speech I watched some of the super-fair analysis on the FoxNews from objective people like Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin.  After hearing them talk, I’m kinda convinced that The President is about to rob my house, sell my stuff to the chinese, and then give the proceeds to the terrorists.

But I’m not that worried, cuz he’s probably still trying to wrap up his speech.

My Little Bro on Conan!

Yeah, I’m a little bit proud.  My brother, Rob, is playing the bass guitar here.  Pretty good week to be on Conan – there were a few people watching!!  The new record is Awesome!

That Lady In Chicago

A few nights ago my always-looking-out-for-me wife told me I needed to sit down and watch a particular episode of Oprah with her.  Now let’s be clear – I’ve been there done that with the Big O (in that sentence “big” refers to her being HYPER-FAMOUS and INSANELY-WEALTHY, it had nothing to do with girth).  Over the years I’ve seen a few of her shows that I thought were awful good, and I’ve also seen a few that I thought were, well, awful.  This particular show was about the dangers of cell-phoning (texting and yapping) while driving.  Of course the way Oprah makes her point is with multiple real-life stories.  After a few of these incredibly depressing, but sobering accounts, Traci had to stop me from using a sledge-hammer on my phone.  Do not question the effectiveness of Oprah’s producers and her “how do you feel…” questions aimed at tearful guests.

I am sold.

I do text and drive, sometimes e-mail, sometimes IM, sometimes Facebook.

I won’t do that anymore – and suggest you do the same.

My hat tip to Harpo.  And gracias to the Mrs HTF, who is right more often than I care to admit.

And People Vacation Here . . . On Purpose?!

I got this note a couple days ago in the HTF mailbox from the always inquisitive CM:

Dear HTF:

Do you think falling iguanas are a sign of the Apocalypse? 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100107/ap_on_bi_ge/us_winter_weather

I think if the Apocalypse was happening, it would probably begin in Florida, don’t you?

CM

First, thanks for the question.  The short answer is, “YES.” And the medium answer is “WITHOUT A DOUBT.”  How do I know that?  Because I happen to actually be sitting in a hotel room in Ft Lauderdale of all places.  And after being here for a few days I can confirm that whatever apocalyptic chicanery (good name for a rock band) you’re referring to isn’t just going to start here, but I’m pretty sure it started some time ago.  When I got off the plane the wind chill was below freezing.  How weird is weather like that in Miami?  It’s roughly the same weirdness level as an NFL Offensive Lineman winning the Ice Dancing competition in the forthcoming Olympics.

Next, there MUST be something crazy going on because humans don’t drive the way Floridians do.  It’s like EVERYONE hasn’t eaten in 3 weeks and they’re on their way to the Chuck ‘O Rama – ain’t nothin’ getting in their way or even slowing them down.  Also the cars here are wired differently because whenever people push the brake their horn goes off.  After a couple days I don’t even notice horns or people driving on the sidewalk anymore.

Also, I’m pretty sure there’s something biblical that says “And it shall come to pass that the Lions will hang out with the lambs AND the 15-foot-long alligators will roam freely as if they were insurance salesmen.”  Tonight we had dinner sitting outside near a canal.  This wouldn’t be a dangerous thing in most any other part of the universe, but while we were eating I heard a huge splash.  I’ll admit we didn’t see what caused it it, but unless someone dropped a Mid-Size-Volkswagon in the water we were dining near an alligator – guess he was into Chinese food.  Lets be clear, this doesn’t happen in the real world.

The last thing – if you watch the local news here, you’ll never go outside . . . ever . . . because you become convinced that something terrible will happen to you.

So I could go on, but your super-accurate guess about where the end of things will start seems spot on!  Congrats on your wisdom and for living not in Florida.

Here’s a photo from yesterday of me at Ft Lauderdale beach – note the layered clothing and the shifty eyes looking for bald-man-eating alligators and/or self-important people driving their Escalades on the beach in a huge hurry:

PS – I do love me the Palm Trees

Finally Getting to the list and a Random Winner

You might be thinking that my New Year’s Resolutions was - “Don’t blog.”  Well, not so much.  I want to thank those of you who played along with the little “favorite posts of 2009” thing.  That was helpful – and a little surprising at times.  Also, huge congrats to the Fabulous CM who wins the prize.  I just used a spreadsheet to generate a random number to pick the winner.  Let there be no challenge to my geekiness!  So off to the right on my blog you’ll see the new list of top posts of 2009.  I’ve also been working diligently, by which I mean that I thought about it a couple times, on a new HTF music playlist.  So far I’ve identified about 25 songs and I’ll add a few more and post it soon.

Anyway, I want to be the last to say Happy 2010 to you!!

Here’s a can of tuna to help you celebrate:

The Big Wrap Up – The First Annual HTF Fantasy Football League

Well, the epic first annual HTF Fantasy Football League has come to a close.  In fitting fashion, Emmy (Blue Blood) was our league champion after being in first place for much of the season.  Congrats to her!!  Christy, with her losing record and 8th seed in the playoffs blew through the post-season and captured 2nd – a fairly remarkable accomplishment.  Also, shout out to the Trainspotters (Mark & Rhoopa) who made a big run and landed the bronze medal!

  

Fittingly I landed at the bottom, kinda disappointing, but you certainly can’t accuse me of dominating the fantasy rookies – more like the other way around.

THANK YOU to those of you who played along!  I know that a lot of you did it with serious trepidation, but stuck it out.  I also know we’ve created a few new fantasy football freaks with this, so that’s cool too.  We’re only 8 months away from the next draft!!

Guest Post: A Cow With Too Many Legs, Astronauts, Bob Dole, and the Science of Speeding Across Kansas

A couple nights ago I had a short conversation with someone about what driving across Kansas is like.  Even as a Kansan, I’ll tell you the drive is not for the faint of heart or for the day-time.  The next morning I was stoked to get a guest post submission (one of my favorite things to receive) from my good friend Dave who recently made the trip home to Kansas for the holidays.  Many lines here made me super-chuckle, mostly because they’re frighteningly accurate.  Check it out:

It has been nearly two years since I last went home to visit my family and friends. As I made my way in to town, it occurred to me that there are a few lessons I have learned or have been reaffirmed on this trip, as well as a few observations that I’d like to share with you.

• State Troopers will not pull drivers over (usually) for exceeding the speed limit by 9mph.
• State Troopers will pull drivers over for exceeding the speed limit by 11mph.
• Colorado seems to have more State Troopers than Kansas does.
• Oakley, KS advertises – and I am not making this up - a 5-legged steer (is that a family appropriate attraction?) as well as the world’s largest prairie dog. **And you thought there was nothing to do in western Kansas.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Hays seems like a fairly big city.
• Russell, KS remains very excited to be the home of Bob Dole.
• The farther into Kansas I drive; the more chemical (caffeine) help I need to stay awake. Yet the farther into Colorado I drive, the less help I need.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Salina seems like a fairly big city.
• Three towns along I-70 boast being the homes of various astronauts. I didn’t recognize their names, but going from a small KS town to, well, space is pretty impressive.
• You can tell by the smell seeping in through the air vents if you’re downwind of a cow farm or a pig farm.
• After spending a few hours driving in KS, Abilene seems like…well, no, not even then.
• Kansas seems to have more State Troopers than Missouri does.
• When the youngest child traveling is 11, you can make much better time than when the youngest child is 7. (We made the trip of 607 miles in 9½ hours with only 4 stops. That averages out to just less than 64mph with stops. A new personal record! Compare that with the 1100 mile - one way - trip made a few months ago, where the stops averaged one about every 14.7 miles and took, as I recall, approx. 5 weeks.)

It was very nice to come home for Christmas. But I am also reminded why I left this part of the country. Were it not for my family and friends, whom I love, and the food (yea for Kansas City BBQ!!!) I would never come here. Merry Christmas everybody!

Helping with the CountDown, Winning a Prize, and a big Gracias

This morning I found myself watching VH1’s best videos of 2009.  I wasn’t really that interested, but there’s something about those countdown show were you just HAVE to know who wins, even if it is stupid Lady GaGa.  Her video that they showed was more “troubling” than “good.”  But I can’t claim a lot of shock there.

Anyway, with the year wrapping up it’s time to do my own little countdown of the best HTF posts of 2009.  And like last year I’m asking for your help to do it (via an unashamed bribe).  Please post a comment or send an e-mail with your top 3-10 HTF posts of 2009 – assuming you actually liked any of them.  Everyone who does will be entered into a drawing for a sweet Amazon.com gift card redeemable for pretty much anything – I’ve learned this holiday season that you can literally buy ANYTHING on there.  Last year the participation was great and my awesome sister-in-law won the drawing.  The final date for entries will be Dec 27th.

I also wanted to sincerely thank the few of you who read the blog for sticking with me this year, especially those who linked to me, sent in questions, or posted comments.  It’s been a pretty wild one and the posts have come out in spurts, and a few of them certainly made little to no sense.  I even toyed with hanging up the blog thing for a time.  But still, you’ve stuck with me – meaning you are both patient and easily-entertained!  (these are qualities that are great at holiday parties as well)

I’ve always been super-lucky to have the best friends in the world (that includes my family).  Some of you who’ve known me for a while know that to be true.  Not sure how that’s happened, but it’s a huge deal to me.  So I say gracias, sincerely.

Now, enough with sappiness!  Send in those entries and win a prize.  Then you can get back to the fun of the holidays – meaning we eat stuff we shouldn’t and get presents that we never would’ve purchased for ourselves (this could be good or bad).

Holiday Entanglements to Avoid and Why You Can Land a JumboJet in our Hallway Now

A few holiday observations….

As a general rule Christmas Music = Awesome, EXCEPT WHEN IT’S A “NEW” VERSION BY A CURRENT “ARTIST” TRYING TO PUT THEIR OWN SPIN ON A CLASSIC BY FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGING THE TUNE AND/OR SINGING IT IN A WAY THAT ACTUALLY MAKES YOU LOSE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

I’m just sayin’….

Christmas lights are sweet to look at and even sweeter when hung by someone other than me.  I fought only a small battle with the strands of icicle lights (the worst tanglers) this year – it was more of a skirmish.  But there were several points when I walked my troubling ball of cheer over to the trash can because I wasn’t sure I’d get it untangled in time for Christmas or even Easter.  This was PRECISELY what George Washington was referring to when he warned of the peril of “entanglements.”  Happily there are now electric icicles hanging on our gutters and some nights we even remember to plug them in.

On the light theme – my kids have decided that they are in charge of the indoor Christmas lights, which is cool with me.  They’ve strung lights up and down our super-long upstairs hallway on the floor by the walls.  This creates the sensation that as you walk down the hallway you’re actually a 747 landing at an airport with a carpeted runway.  To enhance the fun the kids often droop strands of lights over the balcony so low that unobservant walkers-by may accidentally become part of the display.

Presents = something the Mrs HTF does.  Sorry, but I’m a very typical guy in this respect.  Remember my post from last year?  (neither did I).  The reason for this isn’t from a lack of trying, it’s just that it ALWAYS ends badly.  The analogy is me dunking a basketball – I can try, but it’s just not ever gonna work out quite the way it’s supposed to.  Simple fact.

We get way fewer Christmas Cards than we send out.  That makes me think lots of different things.  One of which is that clearly some postal worker is hoarding our cards.  (I won’t accept that perhaps we have fewer friends than we have Outlook Contacts)  But I am learning that it’s entirely possible that Facebook is partially replacing Christmas Newsletter sending.  It’s cheaper I guess and you don’t have to go to Kinkos.

Also, gingerbread houses are WAY less stable than non-gingerbread houses.

Anyway, sincerely hope you’re all having a good holiday season so far (meaning that you’re not shopping, not untangling lights, not listening to really-bad Christmas music, and not mailing detailed newsletters).

A Super Guest Blogger Gives us some Fantasy Insights and somehow brings up Beach Wiffle Ball (BWB)

Today we (using the “we” pronoun somehow sounds more impressive than “I” despite being a little inaccurate) welcome a marvelous guest poster to the blog.  He’s part of the HTF Fantasy Football league and has some knowledge to drop on us.  Take it away, Mark.

Many of you spend your Sunday autumn mornings scrambling eggs and frying bacon while your children awake from their slumbers. Or you might congregate as a family at church to teach religious values. Some families walk their children to the park to play on the swings and enjoy a picnic.

Well, I fall into none of the above categories. I am a couple years south of 30 years old working in management consulting in the Financial Services industry and living in a spacious (I say that loosely!) one bedroom in Manhattan with my girlfriend. I have always been a bit obsessive compulsive about sports and as a child yearned to be the general manager of the New York Mets (at this point, an elementary school educated child would be an improvement for the Mets front office). I am far from a natural athlete, but do take pride in being dragged out to local trivia nights and being designated by friends as the ‘Sports Guy.’ As a result, when I was introduced to Fantasy Football as a young pup in college, I welcomed the challenge. It quickly became a top three hobby of mine (only after fine dining and beach wiffle ball) and a real showstopper to any productivity on Sunday mornings (my college GPA was always significantly lower in the fall semester). I have nixed many Sunday morning plans along the way for Fantasy Football, much to the chagrin of Rachel, who is my overly patient girlfriend and a real saint during the Fantasy Football season. Sunday mornings are always spent as follows:

10AM: Wakeup, egg and cheese on a toasted plain bagel, Vitamin Water, and coffee from the local deli. Espn.com is crucial to check on headlines.

11AM: Cbs Sportsline offers detailed injury updates.

11:30AM: ESPN 2 televises a fantasy football show with mildly useful insight.

12:00PM: If Rachel is home, she must leave the main room for closed captioning on ESPN 2 and volume on Yahoo’s Fantasy Football live show on the PC. Frequent checking of updates on CBS Sportsline is part of the multi-tasking routine.

12:30PM: Frenzy of phone calls and texting to the Braintrust for final touches on the lineup

1:01 PM: Will my fruitful management decisions pay off this week (all decisions are locked by 1PM!)?

Although I joined the HTF League a few weeks into the season as a co-manager on the NY Trainspotters squad (my third league of the season), I plan on passing on a key piece of wisdom for those now hooked on Fantasy Football. Develop an inner circle of Fantasy Football experts to help you win.

As you can imagine, my sports-minded interests lend themselves to many friends who also enjoy conversing about sports. However, liking sports is much different than understanding the statistics and strategy important to Fantasy Football. Understanding individual match-ups and trends can baffle even the most educated sports nut. Advice falls from ‘trees’ during Fantasy Football season; often, everyone has an opinion and it is difficult to tune out the white noise. Trust your inner circle for advice, bounce ideas off of them, and do not feel even the most asinine trade idea is worth keeping quiet about. In this section, I will thank this season’s braintrust: SW, TS, JT, DZ, PK, MF, BB, and DB who provided me invaluable insight to prospective championship campaign(s).

Preview of Week 14’s Quarterfinal matchups:

· Rabid Possum (#1) vs. Christy’s Crusher (#8)

Skinny: Possum is foaming at the mouth for this match-up. She was the queen of the waiver wire all season; she built her team with quality players such as Miles Austin and Rashard Mendenhall. Although CC is employing the best QB on the planet, there is no way she can overcome some of her other starters’ inconsistencies.

Prediction: Possums are generally nocturnal, but this possum cruises to the semifinals with a huge day on Sunday afternoon.

· Diamonds and Dynamite (#3) vs. No Sup(er bowl) 4 You (#6)

Skinny: Always enjoyed the play-on words from the No Soup for You! squad, but Dynamite has the Maurice Jones Drew and Moreno TNT ready to explode this week. Dynamite is reeling after a loss vs the beloved NY Trainspotters and is looking for revenge. If Jonathan Stewart plays full-time like last week, Dynamite will be in for a closer contest.

Prediction: Dynamite is one of the strongest teams in the field and she will blast herself to the semifinals with an 80 point blowout over her Seinfeld competitor.

· Blue Blood (#2) vs. Pigskin Cannibals (#7)

Skinny: This is a typical trap match-up for our Cold Blooded friend. In every league that I have partaken in, the #7 team always seems to beat the #2 team in the first round of the playoffs. Pigskin has McNabb against a porous Giants defense and starts the 3 best WRs in the league (Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Driver). Frost-Bite Team does have Peyton Manning and Randy Moss, but has too many holes to compete with Pigskin.

Prediction: The Cold Blooded team keeps it close, but Pigskin pulls away with Monday night Football magic in the names of Fitzgerald and Boldin.

· NY Trainspotters (#4) vs. HTF (#5)

Skinny: Our commissioner, superdad of 4, and blogger extraordinaire is limping into the playoffs! Team Roopa is sizzling hot with three wins in a row. Trades and waiver wire pickups have certainly helped narrow the gap between the top of the league and Trainspotters. Ward disappointed mightily on Thursday night, but I fully expect AP and surprise RB Jamaal Charles to carry NY Trainspotters to a narrow victory.

Prediction: Well, well, well-HTF has some major management decisions to make for Sunday? Will HTF consult with his ‘braintrust’? Kurt Warner breaks HTF’s heart late on Monday night to catapult Trainspotters to the semifinals.