Further Proof That I Probably Shouldn’t Work In Tech Support

I always enjoy peeking into the HTF mailbox, and a recent note didn’t disappoint.  This is another one of those White House Press Conference Questions where it’s 40 questions in one and the answer is either “Botswana” or “What Budget Deficit?!” or “We’re looking into the the United Nation’s allegations.”  Anyway . . .let’s take a look at the note sent in by alert reader, Becca:

Q. Now that you work for Microsoft are you finding that people automatically expect you to have inside information about PC's, Windows, or that you are in good with the creators of Vista?

A. Yep, pretty much.  In a company with like 95,000 employees “inside information” is a pretty relative term.  The guys at Wired Magazine probably know a heck of a lot more about that kinda of stuff than me.  (I feel obligated to point out that “Creators of Vista” would be a great name for a rock band).

Q. We all know that you have a specific job that you do there in your storage closet - but you can fix our computers too, right?  Because mine won't print, and Firefox quit working a...a...a...and sometimes, when I turn it on, it makes this funny whirring sound like something is taking off inside the computer - but it's not really - it's just this noise actually.  .... well yeah I know that has nothing to do with Microsoft necessarily, but you do work there right? 

A.  Not sure how I became Tech Support Boy (a new, but pretty unimpressive super-hero), but you’re not the first to ask a stunning series of questions like that.  As far as tackling your computer problems I have an 800 number you can call where actual “smart people” will answer and help you out.  If your issues are very dire, I will send you a link to Best Buy, Dell or HP so you can just buy a new computer.  (this is what we do should do when we get holes in our socks, so why not do it when the computer stops working?!)  Also, I most definitely have hair and cheek-bones exactly like the guy in the picture to the right.  The more common question I get is the one I think you’re about to ask . . .

Q. Oh and also can you get us free stuff? Can you can you?

A. If you’re talking about bouncy balls and keychains that say “I’m a PC” . . . yeah probably . . . but I’m guessing that’s not what you’re talking about.

Q. Did they put a chip in the back of your neck at orientation?  Do they use it to monitor you?  OR to upload info directly to your brain? Can you get me a couple?  I could use them on my kids - and my husband too - that would rock!!!

A. Out of deep respect for your dear husband, and out of fear for the lives of your kids when they’re teenagers I’m not going to tell you about about the 3 millimeter, silicon, RF-Radio, nano-chip that I may or may not have in my frontal lobe right now.  (can I PLEASE get some props for saying “FRONTAL LOBE?!”  I’m even laughing now)

Q. Oh and one last question that I have pondered for many years... does it really make any sense to use the terminology POWER DOWN to turn off a computer?  To me it is an oxy moron - I mean how much extra power does it really take to turn everything off - or am I missing something?  I just think techno jargon reigns supreme among the cubicles!  And as always thank you for sharing your political and techno prowess with the acutely challenged.

A. Fair question, but anyone who doesn’t think it requires actual POWER to turn off a computer is clearly not a Facebook user who has been faced with the 2AM dilemma of whether to check that last all-important status update of a guy you think you may have known in Junior High or sleep for a couple hours before the kids get up.

So thanks for the probing questions, my friend.  My your computer miraculously cure all of it’s own problems, just like a self-cleaning oven, and also start spitting hundred dollar bills out of the CD drive.