When I asked the alert readers of the blog to send in questions/comments I knew I was taking a risk. The note you’re about to read validates that riskiness. But this reader makes some powerful points that even our President should consider . . .
I recently heard about some vacancy on this thing called the “Supreme Court,” & I thought it would be the perfect job for me. I really dig the fact that all the justices wear the same outfit and are called the “Supremes” because I’ve always wanted to be in a band.
Before I really had a chance to send my resume off to the President, he nominated someone else even though I have some pretty awesome credentials by anyone’s standards. C-c-c-check it out:
- I’m a really good listener. I can turn the volume down way low on my Ipod and eavesdrop on someone else’s conversation.
- I have a lot of experience as an adjudicator. I already spend half my day judging and commenting on other people’s fashion crimes. I also prepare proposed punishments for them in my head. (In case you are wondering, yes, a prison sentence is generally imposed.)
- I’m also excellent at multitasking. I’m really good at doodling while pretending that I’m listening. I can also pretend that I’m listening when I’m really making a shopping list in my head. I can also shop while figuring how I'm going to frame the glorious doodle that I drew when I was pretending to be listening.
- I have thought long and hard about it, and . . . I am totally willing to accept a pay raise.
What I want to know is- what else should I be doing that will improve my chances at getting a Supreme Court slot? Also - maybe I’m feeling a little overconfident, but in the event that I do get a slot, what can I do to jazz up that robe? It garners respect and all, but let's face it: I would not be stylin' in that thing. I was kinda thinking of putting fringe on the bottom – or do you think that’s too retro? Hey, new thought: do you think that the fringe would get caught in a Supreme Court escalator? Would that be a worker's compensation claim or would the fringe be considered a pre-existing condition? Hey an even newer thought: do they even use escalators at the Supreme Court? Elevators? Stairs? Jet packs? Or . . . maybe I should just decorate the robe with a jet pack to avoid any fringe mishaps?
Thank you. You may or may not be helpful.
The Person Who May or May Not Have Written This Letter (Giving a shout out to the Frogspeak!!)
Well, I don’t even know how to respond except to say that if we were able to to vote for the new members of the Supremes, you’d have mine for sure, but mostly because you said “adjudicator” (as if you were a lawyer or something) and you gave the priceless image of our justices flying around with jet packs. Here are a few other ideas of how you could improve your chances:
- Write a supreme court rap theme, this worked for the ‘85 Bears, and most of the justices were in their 60s then, so they may even remember
- During the senate confirmation hearing give all of your answers in Latin (or at least Pig-Latin)
- Tell the President that you’re for change . . . he seems to respond to that
- Get a fake AARP card and start showing it off to whoever will pay attention
- Read the detailed proceedings of the court over the last 10 years and when you regain conciseness watch reruns of Law & Order on TV
Anyway, hope that helps. You’re probably a lock anyway once people actually compare you to this Soda-Mayer lady!
Thanks for the note, I’ll be sure to bring it up the next time the President calls for advice!