Last week I got to go out with several of my co-workers to hit golf balls at a driving range over lunch. This wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that it’s been like 3 years since I did that . . . and it does take some degree of skill, which I totally lack. Those balls are really, really, small and they don’t EVER go the direction I want them too . . . unless I throw them. I’m told that method (the “pick the thing up and chuck it method”) is against the rules though, so I grabbed my clubs and off we went. By we, I’m referring to my international posse of golf aficionados. One guy from India, one from Italy, and another from a country called Kentucky. (I say that delicately because the Kentucky guy is my boss) As you might expect, they all have great accents AND better golf swings than me. :)
We arrived at the range and found our spots. I went for the last spot where, in theory, the fewest people would be able to see me. I did notice that there was a guy giving lessons to a couple next to me, but they’d surely be too involved in their lesson to gawk at my golf prowess.
I was wrong.
The instructor had a TV and like 30 photos of different golf swings. He was going on and on about hips and elbows and knees and such. I had my back to him and I tried not to pay attention, but that’s pretty hard when a professional golfer is talking a few feet from you AND he has a monogrammed golf bag. But I just kept on hacking away. At one point I noticed that his voice got a bit softer and then I realized he was talking to his attentive students ABOUT ME! He was comparing my swing to some video on the TV set that I couldn’t see. And let’s just say it wasn’t a very good comparison. As if I wasn’t already paranoid enough I glanced quickly over to see the students slowly shaking their heads while looking at me and then and here’s the kicker, I heard the instructor point to the screen and disclose that he’d been comparing my golf swing to the form of a guy named …. TIGER WOODS. Ugh. Like that’s not setting the bar too high!
I actually did ok that day, meaning the club made contact with a few of the balls and they went in a general forward direction, without injuring anyone. But when I go again I won’t be setting up shop next to the golf class, that’s for sure.
And just wait until you hear what I did after my golfing fun
TO BE CONTINUED
Blog post coming soon – Just moments after leaving the course I have a run-in that involved Osama Bin-Laden and me shooting a 9mm handgun.