Junior High Dances, Football Helmets, & Porta-Potties

Friday, August 20, 2010 | | |

With the rapid approachment (a great word I just made up) of the football season there’s anticipation in the air of NFL mini-camps.  There’s also some serious BO-stench in the air there as well, but I’m choosing not to talk about that.  Every team thinks they have a shot.  It’s kinda like the first few seconds at the junior high dance.  You think, “hey, this could be awesome if everything goes exactly the way I’ve been trying to imagine.”  If only willing it would make it so… (I’d be significantly taller and have a lot more hair if “will” was all u needed).  Well, the 2nd annual HTF Fantasy Football league is about to kick off and there are similar stakes and a massive sense of unfounded optimism.  One of our more skilled (at what? – I’ll let you decide) managers sent in this question:

Dear Amphibian Friend:

In preparation for the upcoming FF season I have been doing the following:

· Religiously watching the “Chiefs Training Camp Update” every night on my local news

· Religiously reading the bottom-of-the-screen crawl for NFL news on ESPN while my husband hogs the TV to watch the Little League World Series

· Tracking Ben Roethlisberger’s progress toward not screwing up over the past 2 months so his suspension will be reduced (it won’t), and

· Researching which players are “HELMET OFF” and “HELMET ON” because there is a direct correlation between playing ability and HELMET status

What do you think my chances are this season?

CM the GM

Let’s be clear, your name, or rather, call-sign, there are the end may well be your best FF attribute.  Thanks for the great questions.  I’ll tackle each line one by one:

  • If by “religiously watching Chiefs training camp” you mean that you’re praying that they’ll win more than 3 games, then that works.  If you plan to draft an actual Chiefs player, that strategy will work perfectly, but only if you draft all Chiefs players
  • I’m withholding jokes about watching children play baseball on TV out of deep respect for your husband.  I don’t get watching actual men play baseball on TV, so the kid thing confuses me.
  • Ah, Big-Ben the role model… You can draft the guy, but just please avoid setting him up on dates with your friends.
  • Important to remember that a key purpose of helmets is to “cover up the ugly.”  I’m not sure just wearing a helmet means a dude can play.  I proved this myself during my own adolescent football career.  But if that strategy is working for ya – you go girl!

I think your chances this season are certainly off the charts.  You’re guaranteed a victory with those keen strategies.  And since you brought up Chiefs training camp – I leave you with this training technique in which the starting running back attempts to do, uh, two things at once…

Be sure to send your questions, regardless of how random, into henrythefrog@gmail.com!

3 comments:

  1. JJ says:

    I'm not sure why but my heart still yearns for the Chiefs to have a good season...I guess I'm still a KC Girl at heart. My husband just laughs at me at this point.

    And tell CM the GM that I'm going to win this year! (Gotta start the "tuff talk" early!)

  2. the artist formerly known as the POSSUMZ says:

    Excuse me, Mr. Frog, but my massive sense of optimism is always COMPLETELY founded, thankyouverymuch!! hahah In fact,just for that, I might just change my new team name to "maniacal OPTIMIST mountain goatz." However, I will not be doing that because I have a hard enough time trying to spell "maniacal" correctly without worrying about spelling "optimist" correctly, too. And I'm limited to only 20 characters. But otherwise I totally would!!!

    AND just for the record, I think all of my FF players last year, just like all of the players in the HTF FF league, would have qualified for HELMET OFF status. (Note HTF FF playas: the compliments will end NOW because the snack talk will soon be ON. Oooops, as also will soon be the smack talk.) Okay, okay, you don't have to remind me of those two weeks or so that I had Kyle Orton. Ew. Just ew. Totally learned my lesson from that one.

    I know all you other playas are are scared of my mountain goatz. You all should be. The Mountain Goatz are here & ready to play, they are maniacal, they are optimists, they are direct possumz descendants with mad style and they are always in HELMET OFF status, they are allergic to Kyle Orton, AND they love MULLETS!!! Gooooooo goatz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Phil Collins' #1 Super Fan says:

    Must I direct everyone to re-vist last year's FF results? And must I remind them what it was that got the Crusherz so fired up that sent them stampeding overy everyone in the playoffs? YES - it was when they were labeled "inconsistent" that did it! They were PUBLICLY CALLED OUT on the Blog! Don't unleash them! It will not be pretty!!!

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